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There's a reason moms tend to be overprotective...
Hey Heather,
How do I get my mom to understand that I am growing up and I am a young adult (I’m 19-years-old, by the way) and she can’t tell me what to do anymore?
I know how frustrating it is to feel like your parents won’t get off your back, especially as you get older. This is the time when you want to start being your own person, and you don’t want to feel like you always have to follow their rules — completely understandable. However, it’s important to remember that this can be a really big step for a parent, and while you will be an independent adult one day, it’s probably not going to happen overnight.
It’s not always easy for Mom and Dad to accept the fact that their kid is moving on and growing up. After all, you were once their little baby and it can be hard for them to stop seeing you that way. I know it’s annoying to have your mom treat you like you’re younger, but try to be a little sympathetic in this situation and see their side of things.
At 19-years-old, you probably should have a little more responsibility on your shoulders. Talk to your mom calmly (yelling and fighting only proves that you’re not mature enough), and tell her you want to be a little more independent. Take things one step at a time. Keep in mind that this is still your mom, and if you still live at home, you can’t expect her to back off completely. Sometimes no matter how frustrating it is, we have to do what our parents say until we’re living on our own for good.
WDYT, gURLs? Do you wish your parents gave you more independence? How did you tell them that? What do you do to try to get your parents off your back? Give us your advice and discuss below!
take care,
heather
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.
im 18 and i am done with school, i want to get away from my parents because if i even say something the wrong way they scream at me and all i do is say OK then and walk away. then when i start to cool off they call me or come for me and drag me back home and i am suppost to move in with my bf after graduation which is this Thursday. i really don’t want to call the cops because my brother is only 16 and i don’t want him to think that’s how you need to move out, how can i move out with out any violence or the cops???? plus i do everything that is stated in the article only prves that i am more mature then my family because i take care of everything and they still treat me like a litte kid!
I’m 20 years old about to turn 21 in a month and I live with my parents for now till I finish college and get myself my own place. I’ve got great parents but as much as I love them and appreciate all they are doing for me, they can sometimes be a pain in the butt. I focus in school and have pretty kick as grades all my life even now in college but i also like to go out with friends or dates. My parents let me go out to parties but whenever i go on a date my mother, especially, calls or texts me reminding me that’s its to late and i better be home in 10 minutes. its like i can go out and have a good conversation and try to meet this guy i like and would hopefully like to go out for a second date. Now that i have a boyfriend i have this curfew you can say…no more than 3 hrs and be home! agh. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away from me we go to different schools and we only see each other twice a week due to his job hours and days so i try to spend time talk and go visit places and restaurants but within hours i get 4 or more miss calls of my mother or father telling me that i better be home. Sometimes i can get away with it by calling andpractically beging for more time if and only i call before my deadline but if i dont and its pass late then forget it Im in big trouble. My boyfriend has somehow been extra patient and understanding but we’ve talked about it and he does not like that he has to take me home so soon when we have just arrived to our destination or when my phone is beeping and ringing over and over. he says im old enough to make my own decisions and i know but i don’t have a place of my own and until then as i tell him its their house im living in and there rules.Now ive had arguments and serious discussions with my parents about this. I want my relationship with him but i just dont know… Im sooo lucky to have him but i think my parents will ruin my relationship with him.
agreed! I’m 19 years old as well, my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years now. at first my parents liked him and were okay with me dating him but then we got in an argument and broke up for a little. since then they have lost all respect for him and i. my mom has tried breaking us up before. I’m trying to grow up and show them i can make my own decisions including who i want to date. due to their views of him. its reining my relationship. i don’t know how to show my parents i can do things on my own. my boyfriend and i are the same age and totally focused on your separate life futures but we both see each other in them. on the other hand, my parents are 9 years apart. my mom never finished college. and my dad never finished high school. my mom got engaged when she was 19.. and married at 21. they don’t see how things have changed. times have changed. and our generation is COMPLETELY different. as i got older i have more rules and restrictions. at 14, my curfew was 12. now at 19, my curfew is 11… i don’t know what to do anymore and I’m on the verge of moving out. but i can’t afford it… i don’t make enough at my job and I’ve been trying to look for more work. does anyone have any ideas on how i can convince my parents that i can do things on my own and I’m able to take care of myself and make my own decisions?
totally understand, i’m 19 as well and i have a boyfriend, been dating for a year now but my parents dont even know, they think its just some 5 months or so… and like paola, i’m lucky that i was able to bring him into my family and date him with my parents permission…my parents are both still young, mom is 44 and dad 47…i know why they havent forbidden me to see my bf, its because they know i would do it anywayz behind their back,…parents are not dumb, they were young once and if they wanna limit us so much is because they know what its like to be at this age, they have a few stories up their sleeves that they wont share with us so we wont do the same as they did back in their adolescence.
First off,your 19 for christ’s sake!
That’s too old to be asking mummy and daddy for permission
to go out with somebody,be it a boy or a girl.Secondly,hate to
break it to ya’,but your folks are “old”.Not just old but middle
aged and pushing 50.Thirdly,their is no way they can
remember what it’s like to be that age,or even everything
they had done,ect. waaaayyyyy back when.
Which by the way was Waaaayyyyy different than
things are Today.And as for their “little”stories,
don’t you kind of wonder why they won’t share
them with you ? After all,how exactly do you
know whether you Should be doing this or that
if they don’t tell what it is they had done
that was So wrong,ect.
just saying~
I know exactly what you mean. I’m 17 and in my fianl year of high school, but as I get older, my parents are becoming more controlling and judgemental. My father is insistent on me attending this one university, even though I’m deciding between a different university and a college. He says that he doesn’t want to pay for me to have a worthless education, but I talked to my sister and she told me that he has a different reason when I’m not around. He doesn’t like that the college I want to go to is in the same city that three of my best friends are in. He doesn’t want me to party with them, get drunk, and become an alcoholic. That, and he just doesn’t like them. He also doesn’t want me to stay in contact with one of the best friends in that city, because he thinks that I’m going to date him and my dad doesn’t like him (I do like this boy, but he isn’t a bad influence. My dad just doesn’t like him). Anyways, he wants to make sure I don’t have the time to hang out with this boy, thus hoping to send me to university in a city that’s two hours away. I’m not a fan of the city that this university is in, and I don’t believe that it’d be the best education for myself, but my dad insists that I go there. I’m certain that the reason he chose this university instead of any other university is because my family will be traveling there twice a week next year, and my family has major separation issues. I’m going away for 24 hours tomorrow with my sister, and already my parents are starting with the extreme clinginess. I’ve never had the separation anxiety that the others in my family have, so I don’t fret when I go away somewhere. Also, again with the lack of respect: my parents constantly tell me that I’m not mature enough to do certain things. Whether it is getting my driver’s, or going off to college. Even getting a job! They refuse to believe I’m capable of living my life. I think the worst part is when they judge my moral decisions. I’m a firm believer in being friends before dating someone, but my entire family believes that I’m not “putting myself out there enough” and that I must want to be alone for the rest of my life. There’s a guy at my new church who had been eying me previously, and my entire family was jumping at the chance for me to have him as a boyfriend and to have a boyfriend who lives nearby. Another thing about that is that they judge my taste in men. My parents want me to find an attractive man, but the thing is… I don’t care about looks. At all. It’s actually freaky how much I don’t care about looks. And all of the guys I have liked previously were, by definition, ugly. And my family makes fun of me. Whenever they point out a good looking boy and say “You could date him”, I usually respond “I have to get to know him first” and then they laugh and say “Oh, right, I forgot you only like ugly boys”. It’s horrid how judgemental they are. Underminding my values is both hurtful and disrespectful. I don’t know why they can’t just accept that I’m old enough to have a well-informed opinion on my life.
I’m feeling you honey, my parents don’t seem to understand that I’m growin up either. You’re a fair bit older than me by the sounds of it but they can’t seem to get that I am interested in boys and that I’ve got a life, if they like it or not. I’m just a lippy teen goth and they don’t seem to get it.
Same here. Im 18 and my BF is turning 22 soon. we have been dating for three years now. Its been hard, my mom wouldnt let me go out on dates with him alone or anything along those lines. It was always because i was under age and i was lucky she was even letting him be my BF. Now that im 18 and acording to the law i can date him she still puts up rules. Now the new thing is i should be focused on school and that i still live at home and its her rules…. ugh! At least i don’t feel alone!