My Ex Forced Me to Give Him Head

so glad you ditched this jerk!

Dear Heather,

Is my ex a potential “abuser”? I don’t know if I am just overreacting or if this is dangerous. When my ex and I used to date, it *was* a moral of mine to never give a blowjob. He would always ask me to give him oral and I would always say no, but he would threaten to leave me or something like that. One day he just grabbed my head and pushed it down VERY forcefully until I was within an inch of his dick, and then proceeded to push me down farther. I am a strong girl myself, so I could push back quite a bit, but after 5-10 minutes of resisting, I gave up. I went against my last moral to prevent from being broken up with/being pushed down.

After breaking my last moral and on the verge of crying, he complained that I “didn’t finish” and that “it took me long enough” he then went off to tell his friends that I had finally given in and told me that I need to “work on my head giving skills” and proceeded to tell me that he liked another girl and was only using me for sex. After calling me dumb and fat, he left me to clean up the mess he made and refused to kiss me because “my mouth smelled like dick.”

He was my first boy friend and pretty much destroyed my self-esteem. He didn’t hit me or anything and I don’t have any bruises but I want to know if this counts. We are now broken up on account of him being a total jackass. 

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. You are in no way overreacting to this situation. What your ex-boyfriend did to you was very wrong and definitely is considered abuse in more ways than one. Forcing someone to perform a sexual act — even if you’re dating — is rape. Even if he never hit you, your ex was still emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive.

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I’m really glad to hear that you two are no longer dating. This guy sounds like a total jerk and isn’t worth another second of your time. However, while you feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself because of this, there is more to you than just your sexuality. Just because you performed oral sex — especially against your will — it doesn’t mean you don’t have any morals left. You sound like a great gURL, and it’s important to realize that this was not your fault. Remember that this situation doesn’t take away from the person you are. 

It might make you feel better to talk to someone about this situation. Would you be comfortable telling your parents, a teacher or a therapist? Even though it’s hard, talking about your feelings instead of keeping them inside will help you. Letting an authority figure know could also help to make sure this guy never treats another gURL like this again.

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WDYT, gURLs? Have you ever been a victim of abuse? How did you cope with what happened? Share your stories and advice below.

take care,

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Posted in: Dating, Everything Else, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Sex, Sex, Sucky Emotions
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  • blogster1


  • xxx

    another slut that thinks shes to good to to be nice to her guy, bet she still wants him to go down on her!!

  • annonymous

    Ashley, thank you so much for responding. That really means a lot to me.

  • annonymous

    I have had a similar experience. I dated a guy on and off (the on and off always was his doing). I was 18 and fresh out of an all girls high school, and he was my first everything. From the beginning, he was very emotionally abusive, telling me my breasts were too small, I didn’t dress sexy enough, I didn’t flirt right, I was gaining weight, then later after I lost it, that I was too thin. The first time we had oral, he pressure me into, guilting me because he had given me oral (not even good, as I have since realized) and I hadn’t returned the favor. He knew I didn’t want to do it because we had discussed it and I told him I wasn’t ready. He pushed me down, slapped me in the face with his penis, and forced me to give him oral. I didn’t say no and I didn’t resist because I was so inexperienced and so willing to do anything to be loved. I am disgusted and saddened that I stayed with him (on and off) for the next 4 years. It breaks my heart. I have come so far since then. I am now 23 and even though it has taken me this long to realize that I was sexually abused, and even typing it right now seems like a joke because compared to the stories of other women, it is pretty mild, I am proud of how far I have come. I am going to my first counseling appointment next week because typing this here was the first time I ever told anyone and I need to learn how to let go once and for all. My dream is to help young men and women recognize the signs of sexual abuse and realize that even silence means no.

    • You’re so brave for sharing this. Your story is so important and relevant for so many people in similar situations. I think that a lot of self-defense rhetoric can put a lot of emphasis on being vocal (saying “no” or screaming or things like that) and this gives people the idea that unless you are verbalizing your discontent, then you’re consenting. This is just straight up false. Consent isn’t just about saying yes or no, it is also about body language, emotional connectivity, etc. I’m so sorry that this happened to you but I’m so glad that you’re getting the help you need and that you’re using your experience to educate others. Stay rad, girl!