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so glad you ditched this jerk!
Dear Heather,
Is my ex a potential “abuser”? I don’t know if I am just overreacting or if this is dangerous. When my ex and I used to date, it *was* a moral of mine to never give a blowjob. He would always ask me to give him oral and I would always say no, but he would threaten to leave me or something like that. One day he just grabbed my head and pushed it down VERY forcefully until I was within an inch of his dick, and then proceeded to push me down farther. I am a strong girl myself, so I could push back quite a bit, but after 5-10 minutes of resisting, I gave up. I went against my last moral to prevent from being broken up with/being pushed down.
After breaking my last moral and on the verge of crying, he complained that I “didn’t finish” and that “it took me long enough” he then went off to tell his friends that I had finally given in and told me that I need to “work on my head giving skills” and proceeded to tell me that he liked another girl and was only using me for sex. After calling me dumb and fat, he left me to clean up the mess he made and refused to kiss me because “my mouth smelled like dick.”
He was my first boy friend and pretty much destroyed my self-esteem. He didn’t hit me or anything and I don’t have any bruises but I want to know if this counts. We are now broken up on account of him being a total jackass.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. You are in no way overreacting to this situation. What your ex-boyfriend did to you was very wrong and definitely is considered abuse in more ways than one. Forcing someone to perform a sexual act — even if you’re dating — is rape. Even if he never hit you, your ex was still emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive.
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I’m really glad to hear that you two are no longer dating. This guy sounds like a total jerk and isn’t worth another second of your time. However, while you feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself because of this, there is more to you than just your sexuality. Just because you performed oral sex — especially against your will — it doesn’t mean you don’t have any morals left. You sound like a great gURL, and it’s important to realize that this was not your fault. Remember that this situation doesn’t take away from the person you are.
It might make you feel better to talk to someone about this situation. Would you be comfortable telling your parents, a teacher or a therapist? Even though it’s hard, talking about your feelings instead of keeping them inside will help you. Letting an authority figure know could also help to make sure this guy never treats another gURL like this again.
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WDYT, gURLs? Have you ever been a victim of abuse? How did you cope with what happened? Share your stories and advice below.
take care,
heather
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Im having some trouble understanding my feelings. I thought maybe I could get some input. I started to write the whole story but it is very long. Im 23 now I saw this guy off and on since I was 16. It was my friends cousin we had some really great times and I felt happy with him. He had gotten into trouble before I met him and had to serve 8 months. He was putting that all behind him. I got back with my ex when he was away and when he got out he flipped out. He became violent at times and said some awful things. I still loved him and was conflicted on what to do. He found out that I was back with my ex and forced to go into the bedroom where we could talk away from his cousin(my friend). He pushed me onto the bed and said that I owed him and began trying to have sex with me. I had been trying to be faithful to my boyfriend and do things the right way. I didn’t fight him much but I did say no. I had a lot of feelings for him so I just pretended it was consensual. He had been away for 8 months and I did have feelings for him despite his recent violent behaviors. I was upset about the event afterwards I cried afterwards because I felt ashamed. I kept talking to him and hanging out with him like a couple, but not officially. A couple years went by. One night he came to home (he lived with my friend) he was drunk and I was there. He wanted to talk in the basement. We talked he started to try to kiss me and make a move, but I wasn’t feeling it. He forced my pants down drug me off the couch and raped me. He straggled me and held my hands down. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it I had had consensual sex with him plenty of times. He acted like nothing ever happened the next day and as if he didn’t remember, but he eventually admitted to knowing what he did. I dont know why but I kept seeing him for a year or more after that. He would come over to my house where I lived alone. I believe I was around 19 at this point. We would ocassionally have sex, but it got to a point to where I said no every time, but for some reason I still wanted him there. I eventually told him he couldn’t come over anymore and I stuck to it. It was October of 2010 I believe when I stopped letting him come over. I did see him ever so often though. I still had feelings for him. We don’t see each other anymore, but to this day I sometimes think about him and want to see him and that makes no sense to me. After all of that happened. I thought maybe I couldn’t accept what he did and that’s why I kept him around. I haven’t seen him for a year now and I go for months without thinking about him.
I went through the same thing. Exact same thing. He held to my head and forced me to do it, and to finish and swallow. Right after I ran to the bathroom and just teared up, trying to spit up everything I could. We’re no longer dating, a long story in itself. He had rules for me, collared shirts.. don’t talk to anyone without his authority. Now that is has been a year from our parting, I can’t sleep. I think of what I did. I now realize I was mentally/emotionally abused. Now… I realize… I may have been raped. He did this several times to me. I just keep saying… I didn’t say no.
Lena,
It sounds like you may be doubting what happened to you, or blaming it on yourself. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You said you were physically forced into oral sex – whether you said something aloud or not, being FORCED into something makes me positive that you had made it clear that you didn’t want to participate, either by resisting his body, or by having said something that made him think he “needed” to force you. I’m so happy to read you aren’t with him now, and that you’ve realized the scope of what he’d done to you – I also wouldn’t be surprised if you were frightened to ever resist him, and maybe you feel guilty for not doing so (people who have been abused frequently feel guilty about their own actions, even reasonable ones). What he did was not, and is not, your fault.
I know how hard it is on your self esteem. It was a diffrent situation, but someone I love did something like that to me once. But she is right: it’s very important that you tell someone you trust because all that pain needs to get out. It know it’s very difficult, but that’s the best way to be able to start healing.
I wish you all the happiness you can handle from now on!
i would have tazed his dumb ass., GURRRRRLLLLL ,.,,
the same kind of thing happened to me. it wasnt my boyfriend, i was a jr. in highschool and he was my first kiss, he asked for me to walk with him after school, as i followed he led me to a back alley, he grabbed my arm and led me to where they kept the dumpsters, i felt like trash already just by being there, thats when he dropped his pants and forced me down. one commenter said they would bite, i had thought about that, but he was mucher stronger than me and i was already scared, i didnt want to provoke him. i fought him the whole time and was in that alley for 45 mins, choking half the time and my mom calling my cell constantly, wondering where i was. he finally gave up and as soon as he let me go i ran home. i didnt tell my mom until i was 19 and she asked me why i didnt say anything then, it was because i was scared, but i really wish i had said something because even after that he would harass me around school and even during class and lunchtime. he would grab me and even though i was obviously fighting back, nobody even tried to help me. i feel bad for you and i understand what you went through. imo you need to tell somebody that can talk to him about it, otherwise he might do it to another girl and never realize the pain he has caused or that it is abuse and rape.
I had a friend who was in this same similar situation, he forcefully made her give oral. She also herself, refused, but he pushed her into it! She’s also got very low self-esteem when it comes to men. She’s a good gurl, and I’m sure you are as well, the same! But sometimes men don’t care, they don’t care what they do, their heartless bastards!!! If I was you, him making you give head, I would have just bit REALLY hard on his penis! Maybe that would have taught that dick-head a lesson!!! Or go around telling people he knows, and your friends that he had a small penis. LOL. Just get revenge!
You deserve a whole lots better!!!!
No girl deserves to get treated that way!
What a queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.
GURLLLLLLLL i would have knocked him the hell out. 1st of all he had no rite to force u to do anything 2nd hes an immature asshole for callin u out and tellin his friends. gurl u derserve more and he out to get kick in the nuts for that. dont worry bout the asshole his no good anyway. keep ur head up hun
Dear Heather,
I’ve been confused for awhile now about one of my exes when i was dating him i was 17 and he was 23 the 3rd day of dating i think he raped me because we were just kissing at his house and out of nowhere he started trying to undress me & i had told him i wouldnt have sex with him within the first few days of dating but he then started taking off my pants anyway & eventually he held me down and started to have sex with me that time i think he thought i wanted it because i used to have a rape fantasy but after this happened i grew out of it. Later however when me and him broke up we hanged out and he did it again same everything except that time he forced me to give him head he got on top of me and got over me with his dick in my face when i was laying down & held my nose so i’d open my mouth once it was in i just continued & he even cummed in my mouth when i didn’t want him to I ended up vomiting it back out cuz i had never given head before or swollowed before but he cuddled with me after so i thought he’d be my bf again because of it & i later learned from my ex best friend (who also is his ex gf ) that he was just using me for sex. And now recently i hanged out with this ex i am now 18 he is now 24 and when i hanged out with him at first it was fine we were playing video games but then i didnt wanna play anymore & he told me i either had to play a video game with him or we could sleep but he meant have sex. At the time i didnt really realise what he meant so i told him i wanted to sleep cuz i woke up early to hangout with him. So he paused the game & asked me for a kiss & i told him no & turned away from him then he turned me & was all give me a kiss & i said no again he did that another time then finally he gave up or so i thought. I was laying in his bed falling asleep when out of nowhere he gets on top of me & forcefully kisses me & holds my hands down and says c’mon lets do it or something like that its been weeks or so since that happened & i said no & he was all fine then i’ll just rape you like you want anyways & i was all no cuz i dont want it & he was all then thats the point anyway so i was confused about what he said. Then he ends up holding me down & kissing me then trying to undress me then i try to dig my nails into his hands to get him to stop undressing me but it doesnt hurt him & im just focused on trying to get my clothes back on & getting him off of me that i dont realise im fighting him then out of nowhere he picks me up & turns me around and slams me back on the bed pulling off my clothes & im trying to get away from him then trying to turn back around to get him to stop i push him off a few times and get to pull my clothes back up but then he keeps pushing me back down & holding me down then taking off my clothes again or slamming me down on his bed. At the time i wasnt scared i was just focused but now when i think about it I’m mad and really really scared and confused. Eventually though i just gave up & let him have sex with me and to make it feel better i thought about the guy i had a crush on and it helped alot. That same day when i went home he messaged me on facebook he told me sorry that he didn’t mean for that to happen that he couldn’t control himself and more other stuff he said but what hurt more was that once again he was just using me for sex and that he still liked his ex gf/ my ex best friend more. Later that week i told a few of my friends what had happened and they told me that he raped me that what happened was rape. But because he still thought i liked that i cant help but think its my fault that it happened like that. Even though the first two times weren’t rough i never thought he’d be like that. I don’t know so was i raped all those times?
Please and thank you heather
This happened to me minus the name calling; he called me names later to lots of people when I wasn’t there. But my dad called the police on him. They gave him a warning and I still see him on the bus sometimes. Life is a b****.
You know that if someone forces you to do that you can report him, charges will be pressed,and he will rot in jail
I’m sorry for you. and i hope you can do something to stop that jackass. i for one am glad to see a gurl as strong as you. fix what needs to be fixed and continue on. its one of the best things on earth, the power to move on in our lives. stay strong chika!! we all love and support you. good luck
i’m so sorry this happened to you. I couldn’t even imagine what i would have done, i probably would have hit him and ran and called the cops. I do kind of understand if you didn’t though because that could also cause issues with bullying. SOOO Sorry. Stay strong we love you <3
heyyy! omg i feel soo bad for u gurl!!! the guy who did that is a MONSTER! u need to report it!! what he did is soooo frikin evil!
Omg he is horrible!!! You should get him arrested!!! Make him go to jail where he can never hurt another gURL again. And you r one of the strongest gURLs I know
Hey that he does not complete you bit, I meant that he so should not affect your confidence because he is just scum.
That’s TOTAL abuse! He should go burn in hell, literally. That’s the worst thing he could do. You should really tell someone, and they should understand he FORCED you to do it, and that you resisted but he threatened you. I’m so glad he didn’t get farther that that; although I wished he never did it AT ALL, I’m glad you’re okay and that you haven’t been physically beaten. Keep strong, gurl. We support you <3
OH MY FRIKKING HELL GOSH!!! What a little psychopath!! how DARE he do that to you?! NO body EVER deserves something like that, and that IS abuse!! I really am sorry for you hun! I am only 13, and I have been put in a SIMILAR situation….
it is really diminishing, and I hope you get help with any emotional damage that this D** FACED person did to you… <3 love is all around hun! <3
Lotsa Faith, Dust an Pixxie Dust
Think of it this way – he’s someone else’s problem now!
I’m happy to see another gurl who was resistant to do that. There should be more like us!
Tell someone about this definitely. He does not complete you. You sound fairly nice and will one day find someone 100x times better (even though it wouldn’t be hard to be 100x times better than him!)
Hope you’re feeling better.
Best wishes,
Alice
I thinks what he did was absolutely horrible. But I still don’t thinks you should think that hes someone else’s problem now. No one should ever ever put anyone through that kind of trauma that you went through. You should tell someone and do what you can to make sure he never ever does that again. This may sound corny but you have to stop him before its too late. Next time he could actually RAPE a girl.By stopping him you would be showing that you are a powerful girl and you have strong morals.
Well, that’s terrible. No guy should ever force you to do that. So glad you broke up with that jackass, honey!
You deserve SO much better.