My BFF is Ditching Me for Her Boyfriend

okay, we get it. you're in love.

Dear Heather,

My best friend that I’ve known for 4 years is changing so much. Ever since she got a new boyfriend, she doesn’t hang out with me or her other friends at all. Sometimes she even bails on us. She’s always with the guys and not her friends after she started to get guys… By the way, she started to do this after her first boyfriend.

She makes out with her boyfriend repeatedly in front of us after we tell her not to and it’s disgusting. We miss the old her and tried to talk to her about this, but she doesn’t try to talk to us in person about it. I feel she always chooses her boyfriend or guys over her friends and family. What should I do about this whole problem? Thanks so much.

Losing your best friend to her boyfriend sucks, especially when she doesn’t even seem to care. Feeling like you’ve been replaced is never fun. Unfortunately, this is something that happens a lot with new couples — they want to be around each other so much and so often that they’re willing to sacrifice pretty much everything else to do so.

|Talk about your issues with your friends with other gURLs on the Shout Out Boards|

I know you’re hurting, but first try looking at this from your friends point of view. She obviously really likes this guy. Think about when you have a crush: If you could, wouldn’t you want to be with him as much as possible? New relationships are so exciting and time-consuming that it’s easy to get wrapped up in them and forget about everyone else.

That being said, it still isn’t right for your friend to treat you like this. It sounds like she knows that her behavior is bothering you and just isn’t doing anything to change it. Talk to her in person, just you two, without the added drama of other people. Tell her how much this is hurting you and how much you miss her. Try to set aside one or two specific days each week (like every Monday afternoon) that you two can hang out alone, without her BF.

|This gURL told on her BFF to her parents and now her friend hates her. Check out Heather’s advice.|

If she still isn’t willing to make time for you — and this happens often — then maybe she isn’t the good friend you thought she was. That hurts to hear, but you deserve someone who is consistently there for you and who makes an effort, not someone who ditches you and brings you down.

WDYT, gURLs? Has your BFF ever ditched you for their sweetie? How did you work it out? Share your stories and advice below.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

more ways to get gURLy:


Posted in: Body & Health, Body Issues, Friends, Friends & Family, Help Me Heather, Love&Sex, Sucky Emotions, Sucky Emotions
Tags: , ,
  • Charlotte

    This is kinda happenning to me now. I have a circle of very dear friends, of which one has just started crushing on this guy that we just started talking to a few weeks ago. I’ve known this girl for only two years but we get along really well and she’s the kind that’s always there for you and always has something to say to help etc. Last week though, something started to change. She says that she’s head over heels for this guy and that they were spending more time together, outside lessons. They were not and still aren’t official but they’re having a relationship as they are spending the night at each others place since last wednesday… and a few days ago I text my BFF to see if she was up, to ask her something for a test the following morning, and she text back saying I’m at so and so’s place we’ll talk tomorrow. So I guess I just feel pushed aside from a girl who usually is always there even though she barely knows this guy..

  • Elizabeth

    The same thing happened to me and my best friend ,but the thing is it was okay at the beginning ,because she still hung out with me ,but now they’ve been together for 8 and a half months and it’s just getting worse. Now it’s at the point where i haven’t seen her in a month in person. Also ,at the start i really made an effort to get in touch with her and just text or something, but it just got at the point when i was the only one making an effort so i just stopped. I don’t think she even get how much this hurts. Mostly because she’s with her boyfriend all the time and doesn’t even want to communicate with me. I really don’t want to miss her ,but nothings changing. And it’s sad because i start conversations about this often ,and she just doesn’t get it ,and it hurts even more because i have ALWAYS been there for her ,even when she wasn’t.. I’m just really hurt.. and she doesn’t understand ,because she has him.

  • Aria

    The same thing happens to me all the time. The worse was when one of my friends that promised “she would never do that to me.” Both of us were boyfriendless up to the end of our Junior year when she started dating her first boyfriend. I really was happy for her but it was difficult being the only friend out of the five of us without a boyfriend. Then she stopped sitting with me at lunch and stopped talking to me all together. She was constantly with him and he wouldn’t let her talk to me. If I tired talking to her in the hall he would keep walking so I couldn’t talk to her, of course she would follow him. I haven’t talked to her about it yet but it’s been so hard. I don’t want to confront her because I understand it’s her first boyfriend and everything but I never thought she would treat me like this. I’m also afraid if I do confront her she’ll just think I’m jealous. But really I just want my friend back.

  • Sinead

    My friend of 2 years chose her boyfriend of 2 months over me. She said she cant trust me anymore and all that but her boyfriend screenshots the texts she sends him and sends them around so she cant trust him but she does. She chose him over me on Christmas Day

  • Tori

    This is happening right now to me… She is always texting or snap chatting her boyfriend who’s been on and off in the relationship for 4 years now. Me and our two best friends are trying to help her, we all know what’s happening, but we don’t know how to change it. (There are four of us) Do we tell her? We just want our friend back. She never talks to us anymore. And it’s rare if we even make plans and if she’ll invite us to do something it’s when her boyfriend can’t, and we are the back up if she is “super bored.” What do we do? She’s been our best friend for six years and three months. Please help!!

  • Michelle XM

    I never thought this would happen to me, but it’s happening to me right now. I’m so sick and tired of being the only one trying to make an effort staying in touch with her when clearly she’s not even doing her part in maintaining this friendship of ours. Every important thing that’s happening in her life right now is her job and the boyfriend. I mean seriously? She couldn’t just spend one day hanging out with her friends catching up? But when she does she’s always on the phone texting the boyfriend. She only stop after I told her off. But a few minutes late she’s back on the phone. Not that I’m not happy she’s dating someone, but it’s just too much. And when we meet, there’s nothing for us to talk about cos she doesn’t keep me updated with her life but when she does, all she’s yapping about is her stupid boyfriend! Urgh!!!

    • anon

      i completely understand what you’re going through! my bestfriend goes out with an absolute tool (my bff is 16 he is 20) he even has a kid and she doesnt care i was absolutely shocked when i found out only recently!!
      last weekend he sent a nude to one of our friends obviously we told her straight away i was kinda relieved and thought thank god! thats the end of that relationship but No! she wasnt faced by it and said if he does something like that again then its the end of the relationship and i cant be bothered for her to come crying back to me when something happens again -.-
      when hes around they constantly make out and when i tell them to stop all he says is look away then -.-
      what do i do? i feel like she hardly spends time with us anymore and im scared to loose her 🙁

  • Randomweird

    I had a bestfriend that everytime she had a boyfriend she would always forget about me and not even speak to me. She even told us to go to the movies with her so then she could go to her boyfriend because her parents didnt know.By the time went by she started replacing me with other friends and she just called me for an advice or for a favor but not to talk about anything at all. One day we found out he was cheating on her and he even flirt with me, I told her about it and she didnt believed me at all. We are no longer friends but it stills hurts me because she was a friend of mine.

  • Katrina

    My bestfriend of 6 years broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years for like he 3rd time, I was there through the tears, and I was there when she said she would never get back with him. Well she is, and I’m out of the picture.

  • Breanna

    She’s doing it right now…

  • Beth

    Me and Jojo used to be very close when we were in elementary, but once I hit highschool I started making new friends. And I love them to death, and I always made time for Jojo and my sophomore year when she came up she met my friend Sam. He was the sweetest. She liked him and went out with him, it was weird having two close friends dating. But I didn’t mind much, until they started making out in the halls where ever they were. I told her it was disgusting to do that infront of her friends. It got to the point that she left me in the ditch. They have been dating for a year now and it is only getting worse. When I talk to her one on one she gets defensive and lashes out at me. I don’t want to lose them but whenever they hit a rough patch instead of talking to him she runs to me, we get close and then once things smooth out, I’m the enemy. She is convinced I will steal him, and I understand that but she also knows I wouldn’t do that to her. But there have been times where she has actually yelled at me because I’m not supporting her. It’s gotten to the point I don’t want to be her friend. Ten years and I’m just trash to her.

  • Emilie

    My best friend has been doing this to me for months. She used to hang out with me 3+ days a week, now, we haven’t seen each other outside of school in a month. She is always with her boyfriend, everyday before and after school, and the weekends. She doesn’t seem to care or understand what I’m feeling, and won’t respond to any attempts I make to talk about it.

  • abriel

    My bestfriend for almost 6 years going on 7 has gotten a new boyfriend or whatever she just met the guy they have been knowing each other for 3 or 4 weeks and she has totally forgotten about me she’s always with him barley spends time with me. We both go off to school in a few weeks and it’s like I feel abandoned and betrayed cause I have always been there and now it’s like we going through this again like the last guy she met who cheated on her TWICE I was there picking up the pieces, spend the night with her, listen to her talk about him all the time even though I didn’t wanna hear it but I did cause that’s what bestfriend do. My sis say I’m jealous but she doesn’t understand I take friendships serious it’s a loyalty thing I am not jealous actually I’m very happy for her wish her the best but don’t abandon me and turn your back on me like I was never there and forget about me. if this lil fling she has now end who will she come running to ?..Me
    I don’t know what to do a part of me is like end this one part of me is saying tell her how you feel but I feel like she won’t get it since this is her second time doing this…idk what to do someone help me please ?

  • Solara

    Ive had this happen to me all the time, same girlfriend. Weve known eachother 7 years and been through alot together, heavy stuff too, Im talking abusive husband, deportion, depression, problem is everytime shes out of one give it two months and shes back in one. If I were you Id drop her ass while you can because once you try talking to her she will blow up no matter how nice you put it *I know by experience. From then on she will only point out your faults as a friend like the fact you dont ask about how her and her bf are doing or how he is doing.. Get rid of the bitch now. Ive got other friends who have long term bfs and never forget about me, she makes time for us and because of that i am glad to hang out with her and her bf because theyre arent sucking face all the time and he can hang. Just get rid of this one its for the best, its hard god it is fucking hard but it is for the best, youll be miserable if you dont.

    Sincerely, been there done that to many fucking times

  • Claire

    That’s not good. I know we have to be happy for a friend who finds happiness but it works both ways, they need to return the respect to us and ditching us isn’t the best way to do that 😀 There is no need to ditch a friend for a boyfriend really. I understand we may spend a lot of time with a partner and may not see friends as much but when it comes to a best friend, to me they are equally important as a boyfriend (if not moreso as let’s face it, relationships don’t tend to be forever, whereas friendships are). It is possible to find a balance. For example, don’t arrange gettogethers with your friend and then cancel on them……if you’ve already spent lotsa time with your partner you can’t exactly ditch them simply to spend even more time with him, that’s just rude lol It works the other way too….if you’re spending more time with a friend than a partner that’s also not good. My boyfriend is the same as me, he has a coupla best friends who he will also never ditch and I’d never want him to. But we both find a balance, the trick is, if you’ve arrange to meet your partner or a friend, never cancel (unless you’re really sick or something). I’m guessing I do spend more time with my partner than my best friend but I still see her every week and text her every day.

  • Karin

    I have a friend who ignores me because of her boyfriend. It hurts to think that she would ever do that and I did told her before she changed that hopefully she never changed well I was wrong she changed so much that now I feel like she won’t talk to me cuz she feels better than me cuz I don’t have a boyfriend and I care about her like any friend would care for another friend but she obviously got bored and annoyed of me

  • tanya

    Girls need to stay away from guys who are so controlling, they are insecure and dangerous

  • theresa

    I agree you have to talk to her to see what is really going on

  • jaclyn pee

    I had a best friend for 3 years. we did everything together, lived together, even ran away after high school. she was diabetic, so i took care of her too. we had boyfriends before and always gave each other our space and things like that. well this past june she started dating someone new and he took over her life. she stopped talking to me cuz he would brainwash her and make her think i was a peice of shit. in the end, he won. i havent talked to her in months. i still try and i still care. so many things reminds me of our friendship. it hurts to know she thinks im sooo horrible.

  • taylor

    Well. what NOT to do is to be overdramatic. Usually girls who have already had boyfriends, or are in a relationship know how it feels. At first, you’re kind of obsessed, and want to spend EVERY second with them. no joke. But don’t judge her, or think she hates you. It’s normal. and you’ll probably be in the same position someday. /: pretty much just repeating. and girls ditch their bff for their boyfriends all the time^^ And you should hold onto her, instead of letting her go, bc a true friend, can get in fights with u like these, and u guys’ll still be cool. it works out in the end. just be patient, and move on for a little, till/if she’s back to normal, and just occasionally text or something. i’ve been in that situation. i have a bf, but i split my time, so i dont leave any1 out or hurt some1s feelings. well i try. . . .. (: my friends have learned to know when im joking. hahaha. Just don’t let it get to u. okay. . . .. bye!

  • Brenna

    The same thing happened to me with my BFF Hannah, although it wasn’t about boys. I’ve known her for eight years! Then she came to my school and at first it was great. But then she found a new friend, Nuri. Now all she talks about is makeup and boys and she gossips in front of us and is always giggling about inside jokes which of course she and Nuri are the only ones who understand them. We used to always talk about horses and horsebackriding. I also think the problem is that, now that she got a horse, Sienna, she thinks she is above Meghan and I (her horsey friends). I know exactly how you feel. It’s frustrating, probably even more in your case. What I had to do is I had to LEAVE MY BFF and find someone else to hagn out with. I’m really sorry to hear about it, but you should talk to her and see if there really is a little bit of your old friend left. If not, then move on, because she isn’t coming back. If she really has ditched you for her BF, she isn’t a true friend. WHO DOES THAT? That’s a rhetorical question. I hope I helped. 😀

    Brenna <3