I’m Really Horny But I’m Saving Myself. How Do My Boyfriend and I Get Close Without Having Sex?

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Dear Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and we had decided to have sex to get closer. I recently told him I would feel regret because I’m religious, and he was completely okay with that, but we still want to get closer. We feel like we’ve gone as far as we can mentally, and neither of us really knows what we’re doing physically, so we’ve only really gotten to second base, but we both get horny. I feel like we’ve plateaued and we don’t know what the next step is without having sex. Any ideas?? Thanks!

I’m glad to hear your boyfriend respects your decision to abstain and that you feel comfortable asking him to wait. You should never rush into having sex, especially if you don’t feel okay with it — good for the both of you. And while sex definitely does bring you closer together, there are still other ways you can be physically close and intimate with your boyfriend.

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I’m guessing that by second base, you mean him touching your breasts. Exploring each others’ bodies is a great start. I’m not sure what you consider “sex” and “virginity” (everyone defines them differently), but maybe you could try mutual masturbation, oral sex or anal sex instead of just vaginal intercourse. Talk about it, and see what makes you feel comfortable.

Sometimes just saying it out loud — what you want to do together — instead of actually doing it, is sexually satisfying. If you find yourself getting way too horny doing that (totally understandable), do activities that keep your mind off of sex in general. Go jogging, take walks, cuddle, or try fun new ways of kissing each other. It sounds silly and corny, but even just looking into each others’ eyes can be intimate. Let yourself enjoy every moment you spend together, and try not to feel like you’re a failure or a bad partner for sticking to your morals.

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Good luck with everything, and let me know how it all goes.

What do you think she should do, gURLs? Are you saving yourself? How do you get around your own desires? I’d love to hear your thoughts below.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Dating, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity, Your Life
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  • Brainy

    If u want to stay away from sex mustarbation n oral sex are all wrong….just kiss n do other fun things like watchin movies playin games n goin out together

  • Anne

    My boyfriend and I get horny a lot (i’m a virgin, he isn’t) and my older brother did the whole “Big brother talk” thing with my boyfriend and it wasn’t really awkward or anything because we’re a very open family but it was funny when my bro said, “If you so much as look at her the wrong way i’ll strangle you with fishing wire.” and I interrupted by saying, “Then how do we take care of our sexual urges without having sex?” and my bro just said, “Oral sex exists.” and we all started to crack up laughing.

  • Liz

    Just go ahead and make love. It is the greatest feeling in the world when you do it with the person you love!!! if you know you are so in love and are going to end up marrying then go for it.

  • Gossip Girl

    Try dry sex, sounds silly, but it feels so good. When he gets hard and you’d feel it on you from there, it’s best if u were to be on the bottom. If your comfortable and he is too, give him hand.

  • nina

    Try dry humping or mutual masturbation and i’m glad your boyfriend accepts your thoughts.

  • higs

    Just haves sex. It’s worth it. And I seriously doubt God gives a damn.

    • jp

      what god do u serve? the devil? if yes then yeah yiur right he doesnt care but does care you’ve been misinformed

  • Meesh

    This may seem weird but I think dry humping is the best thing ever! Especially if my boyfriend and I are both wearing jeans… the friction feels really good. If you’re not familiar with dry humping it’s basically where you and your boyfriend go through the motions of sex but with clothes on. I’m not sure if you would consider this going to far, but keep in mind that you’ll be fully clothed and there’s no penetration. However if he’s hard it feels amazing because he’s rubbing up against your clit (here’s where the jeans come in handy) and it’s kind of like manual stimulation but better…

    Other ways could just be kissing in new and fun ways such as kissing anywhere but the lips…explore new areas of the body such as jawline and neck, I agree that talking about what you want to do can be extremely satisfying, and just exploring each other. Try things and if you start to feel uncomfortable move on to something else. There’s no right or wrong things to try.

    Good luck 🙂

  • Kylie

    Im the same way! but my bf is experienced and i feel bad turning away from him whent the time comes. i think he understands but…. im not to sure it kills everytime i see the look on his face when i say i cant go any farther, but the way i look at it is if he really cares about me he will wait till the time is right. thats thi only thing that makes me feel like im doing the right thing. 🙂

    love always<3

  • Katie Jones

    Don’t lose your virginity to him.. I could write a book on the reasons why. Email me, please, if you want to talk. I can give some good insight.

    • Mary Thornhill

      Katie, can you please tell me why? I have been with my Boyfriend over a year and im so in love with him and he loves me, he says we cant have sex till 18 cos he thinks it’ll be perfect then, and we’ll both be fully developed, also because he’s scared shitless about pregnancy, but i want to at 17, shouldn’t i? i know nothing really when it comes to sex, just what iv seen online or in movies, or read about in books, so, could you please tell me why i shouldn’t have it young> much appreciated! 🙂


    i think u too should jus have dry sex its pretyy satisfylinq nd ur safe u wont qet pregnant no std or nothinq of dat and ull still b a virgin. 🙂

  • Rachel

    if u want to save yourself that is perfectly ok and its great he respects that. its very hard to resist going farther well you’re playing but we used to do oral and a lot of touching and kissing and making out. cuddling and talking is a great way to get closer without goin to far. even just taking walks together is a great way to get closer because its just you two and you can hold hands or walk with his arm around you and talk. that is a great thing to do and then you wont have the temptation to go too far. even just telling each other what you really want to do to each other is a great thing and can be just as satisfying. just remember once youve had sex together its hard not to keep doing it and you dont want to regret it in the end. i was 17 when i got pregnant for my daughter and i feel like i rushed my husband into an adult life when he wasnt ready. good luck and i hope u guys make the right decision, i was very religious and disappointed my entire family when they found out i was pregnant.

  • Sex can’t be good now. I think saving it for marriage would be the best. 🙂 But you can try anything. 🙂

  • Kaylah

    I was like really really close to having sex with my bf once but i changed my mind after a while

  • maga

    my ex and i used to masturbate each other, it was really satysfaying, although he always wanted to go further, but i sticked to what i believed in and i’m glad i did, because even though i really loved him, we ended up breaking up and if i had lost my virginity to him i would have felt very bad about it after the break up 🙂

    • Michaela

      That’s exactly how me and my last ex were. Good for you :]