I Want Something Real But He Just Wants Sex

wonder what's on his mind...

Hi Heather,

I currently have everything going great. Except for one boy. This is the boy that I lost my virginity to. It happened over the summer. He wanted something on the ‘down low’ and I went along with it because I had a lot of feelings for him. I thought sex would make him want a relationship. I was wrong. We hooked up for about two months over the summer then he quit talking to me after telling me he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I was crushed. But. I’m a strong girl and I worked my hardest to get over it.

It’s now 9 months later, and I’ve been working on getting fit, and I do look good. Anytime we’re at a party together I catch him looking at me. I notice it and so do a lot of my friends. Recently he texted me and wants to start hanging out again. I know he only wants sex again, and I know it will end up bad if I do it again.

Problem is, it’s the only thing I want to do. I keep thinking maybe this time he’ll date me. I don’t know how to talk to him about it without scaring him away. And I don’t know what to do…I just need some advice.

Even though you really want things to work out with this guy, you know in your heart that it won’t. He’s not interested in a relationship with you, period. And no matter how hard you try, no amount of hooking up, losing weight, or being awesome will change that, because this guy’s issues have nothing to do with you as a person.

|Talk all about your relationship drama on the Shout Out Boards.|

Because you can’t even talk to the guy about being in a relationship without scaring him away, it’s time to let that ship sail and give up the idea of ever becoming a couple with him. Honestly, if a person only pays attention to you when you’re looking you’re hottest, he’s probably not boyfriend material to begin with. It sucks, but you’re dodging a major bullet since this guy clearly carries a lot of personal drama.

If you really want to have sex with him again because you find the hook up fun, that’s a whole ‘nother story. While having sex with a person biologically strengthens our emotional bond and makes us more attached to them, there is such thing as hooking up without getting hurt. But it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible for you, and it is so not worth being crushed yet again by the same guy.

|This gURL has been jerked around for two whole years! Heather helps her before it’s too late.|

Stay true to yourself and your feelings, and use your strength to get out of this situation and meet a loving sweetie who will not only want to sleep with you, but who will also appreciate you for you.

Good luck, and let me know how everything goes.

What do you think, gURLs? Should she dump the guy and find someone new? Have you ever been in her position? Share your stories and advice below!

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Dating, Friends With Benefits, Help Me Heather, Hooking Up, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Sucky Emotions, Sucky Emotions, Virginity
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  • David

    Well lol. Im a guy and recently met a girl at work who is drop dead gorgeous. We started chatting and there was clearly some sort of attraction but i didnt persue it to much.
    Then one evening after a work function she jumped in my car and started kissing me and we ended up sleeping with each other. She is a single mom of 30 and we continued to hook up now and again after that. We would message each other alot and started seeing more of each other when we could outside of work (once twice a week). Even after saying she dosnt introduce new guys to her son she invited me round where i met her son as well as her brother, she would even kiss me infront of them. It was my weekend with my 1 yr old son who even came along. She would hold him and even get him to sleep and i would obviously stay the night and we would sleep together. Things looked like they might eventually go somewhere then i made the mistake of saying that i wanted to go out with her..i wanted more and she basicially told me in short that she didnt want a relationship and i didnt push it or mention it again. Since then she has backed off a bit and dosnt message me as much and even still asks if i wanna hook up (sex) which we do now and again. I have developed feelings for this girl but obviously try not to show it so have also backed off a little but really wanna be with her. What do i do??
    I need help with this!!

  • Elizabeth

    I recently went through a similar situation. The guy was a total charmer, he complimented me, told me how fun I was and how he loved spending time with me. He even told me I’d make a great girlfriend. But it seemed like every time I brought up the topic of us getting serious, he got noticeably uncomfortable and either changed the subject or said something to lead me on and make me stay, without ever giving me a straight answer, such as: “Baby I’m not really ready for a relationship right now, just give me a little more time” or “You know how I feel about you, labels don’t matter”. After 5, yes FIVE long years of stressing and crying about this guy that I cared about so much, I finally realized the feeling was not, never was, an never would be mutual.

    I’ve only experienced 19 years on this planet thus far, but I’ve been around long enough to know the difference between men and women versus boys and girls. All it took was for me to realize I’m an intelligent, beautiful woman, who deserves to be treated like my man’s crown jewel, not a gullible little girl who can be strung along, played like a fiddle, and used like a roll of toilet paper by a fool who is either too blind or too straight up STUPID to see me for the catch I am.

    For every woman who has no time or patience to be made a fool of time and time again by a guy:

    Drop that BOY before he drops you (and he will, don’t give him the satisfaction of being in control of when you’re on and when you’re off) and make yourself available for a MAN.

  • niaBoo

    [tear] happens to me alot 🙁 so annoying

  • HelloChanae

    I Know Exactly How You Feel , Theres This boy That I Was in a Releshionship With For About a Month , Short huhh ? Yup . Everything Was Going Great , but Then he Started To Change From That Cute & Flirty Boy to That , Cute && Overly Pushy Boy . All He Talked About Was Sex . He Would Ask questions Like ‘When Are We Going To F**k’ And Things of That Nature . Im a Virgin And im Not Ready To Lose My virginity , I Felt pressure && Like he Was trying to Force ME to Lose My ‘Goodies’ . . So I told him How I Felt And He Broke Up With Me . About 4 or 5 Months Later I Get in Another Releshionship That Is Going Great , Ive Been WIth My Boyfriend For 4 months ( And Counting 🙂 ]Now . When My ex Found out About It , He texts Me Out Of The blue , Talking about he wants to talk more & He Still Has Feelings for Me . We Go to the Same School , But My boyfriend Dosent . . My Ex ALways Says Dump him gURL , I want You Back , I Love you . But , I Know That He Only Wants One Thing , && that One Thing Is Not For Sale . Dont Let That Boy Get In Your head . . If You Dont Respect Yourself , nobody Will . ! <3

  • ms. wisdom

    Oh just like me. we’ve been together for just less than a month. we hooked-up twice. It hurts me a lot because he just left me, he said that he’s not ready for a relationship. The worst thing is I broke up with my boyfriend because of him.Because I believed in that bullshit DESTINY. I’ve sacrificed everything just to be with him. I also believed in everything that he promised. He said that he would make me his princess, and he often says that he loves me. I am so disappointed and hurt. It’s killing me every time I think of him. I want to revenge but I know that’s not the right thing to do. I want to be more beautiful so I can show him what he have lost. He’s the guy who had made me cry.I need tons of advice so I can fully move on. thanks :’) I hope that this wound will heal.

  • Nae

    I’m dealing with the exact same thing. He took my v-card in April. I got preggo in May and had a miscarriage in July. After that I swore I wouldn’t hook up with him again, but I saw him this past weekend and we decided to “reconnect”. He’s a really great guy; I can talk to him about anything, we have so much in common, and the sex is really good. But, he does’t want a relationship. =/

  • Mel

    This EXACTTTT same thing happened to me with the guy I lost my virginity to. Honestly, don’t even bother wasting your time with him. You’re just going to end up liking him more with the more time you spend with him, and you’re going to begin to think that he’ll change his mind and want to be with you, but that really isn’t the case. I spent 2-3 years trying to show the guy who I lost my virginity to that I really cared about him and wanted to be with him, and all he did was lead me on and make me think that if I kept having sex with him, we would eventually be together… it never happened. Just be smart about what you do and trust your gut feeling. Good Luck 🙂

  • Nicole

    i have the same problem and because i choose to sleep with him AGAIN because i felt that mabey it would change his mind, i may now be pregnate even with using protetion…..its so not worth it honey

  • itcel

    forget about him there is no good that can come from this i have been in your position and even though it was hard i had to suck it up and in the end i felt so much better about myself because i realized i am too good to be treated like a sex object.

  • eva

    if he didnt want a relationship before he won’t want one now you just need to be strong i know its hard cause ur heart and your head are constantly fighting but at the end of the day you got to do wats best for you and dont let any guy have that much power over you. dont give him another chance if you even think hes going to use you. you lost your virginy to him if that didnt convince to be wit you nothing will he just wants to have sex with you use you and when hes done hell give you another dumb excuse of why he can’t be with you.

  • Literally tell him you want a serious relationship. If he doesn't agree then it would be best to just ignore him from now on. There are better guys out there that will see how valuable you really are.

  • Katy

    have courage and just be totaly honest with him. and if he cant respect that its your view then he aint even worth it hun. im 18 years old and im a virgin… wheni got with my boyfriend he knew that and he didnt pressure me… now nearly a year on im still a virgin and he hasnt pressued me to do anything yeah we've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day, if he cant respect the fact u dont wonna do something then ditch him! seriously yeah it is hard… coz i know what it feels like coz me and my boyfriend recently broke up ( but we're back togeather now :)) but when i wasnt with him i got with another lad and all he wanted was sex, i did proper like him aswell… but at the end of the day ask yourself is it really worth it… am i worth getting hurt by the same guy again, deep down i think you know the answer yeah it is hard to say no, but u'll feel so much better after you;ve said no! so look with in you, only yu have the answer no1 else can tell u what to do in this situation.