How Do I Tell My Mom I Lost My Virginity?

awkward? maybe. rewarding? def.

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I recently had sex and lost our v-cards. The problem is I want to be open with my mom and tell her, but with sex being an oh-so sensitive subject, I don’t know how to bring it up! Do you have any advice?

It may be awkward at first to tell your mom that you lost your virginity, but it’s a great idea to do it. Many parents are able to give advice and information about sex and sexual health that you may not know. Even if the conversation is a little uncomfortable in the beginning, it will (most likely) be a healthy experience that every gURL deserves to have. Good for you for taking the initiative!

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Like I told the gURL who needed to tell her mom that she was pregnant, people react to things in different ways. Find a time that’s comfortable for the both of you to start the conversation, when you’re alone and relaxed. Planned Parenthood suggests using  a magazine article or TV show as a jumping-off point to start a conversation about sex, or bringing up a friend who’s decided to have sex and see how your mom reacts.

Then, explain that you have something awkward but important that you want to share with her. Let her know how much you value her thoughts and ideas, and that it’s special to you that she’s informed about what’s going on in your life. By letting her know why you’re telling her and that her opinion matters, she’ll see how mature and ready you are for making adult decisions.

|What should you do if the talk goes all wrong? Heather helps!|

You don’t have to go into too much detail — parents know what sex is, after all– just simply explain that you were smart and safe about it and that you used protection (assuming that’s the truth).  You can let her know it was with your boyfriend and that you were completely ready for it (again, if that’s truth).

Take it slowly, try not to react to her reaction if it’s negative, and remember that parents never love the idea of their kids growing up. It’s perfectly normal to feel nervous, and keep in mind that a lot of parents say they feel relieved when their kids start the conversation for them.

Good luck! Let me know how it goes.

What about you, gURLs? Do your parents know you’re having sex? How did you tell them? What did they do? Share your stories and advice below!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Family, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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16 Comments

  1. avatarAlexiis M says:

    Okay I Lost My VCard Wit My Friend And Hes 18 And Im 16 He Promised Me So Much If I Did Get Pregnant Well Three Months After I Found Out I Was Pregnant But He Wasnt To Happy And So He Made Me Stress ALOT And Stress Is No Good For Babies That Young So As Soon As I Was Four Months I Had MisCarriage And I Still Havent Told My Parents . so Think BeFore You Open Your Legs Just Cuz He Promises A Better Future Wit A Baby .

  2. avatarMcDonald says:

    Hi I’m from the UK and me and my boyfriend lost our v cards a few weeks ago. I am 17 and he’s 19 and we’ve been dating for about almost 4 months now. My mother is very stricked but she lets me see him all the time so I respect her. In some ways I want to tell her but then I don’t. I’m scared about how she’ll react because she did tell me that I shouldn’t be doing anything like that until at least a year into out relationship. I also got the implant long before I met him and I’m on the pill to help with my cycle as the implant hasn’t settled yet.
    His parents are just as stricked as I am 2-3 years younger than him but he’s very respectful and wouldn’t do anything that I wouldn’t want to do. We didn’t use protection because we felt that we didn’t need to as I’m slightly infertile and with the pill and implant, I’m very protected. And it was his first time as well so I know for sure that he wasn’t carrying anything.
    What I’m asking is, what would be the best way to tell her? Should I white lie and say that we did use protection just to make her reaction less dramatic? Should I sit her down with my boyfriend and his parents? Or should I just not tell her and wait until we’re almost into a year so she wont have to worry so much? I think her main fear is that she doesn’t want me to get hurt! It’s not that she doesn’t trust him because she really, really likes him, it’s just because I’ve been hurt a lot in the past, she doesn’t want it happening again!

    Would be so greatful if you could reply :)
    Thankies xxxx

  3. avatarLeah says:

    im 14 and ive been with my boyfriend for about 4 months, we started having sex 2 months into our relationship, we both was ready, and now we have sex often. My mum knows its a part of life and when i first got with boyfriend my mum put me on the pill, she said she wants me to have a life e.g not be a young mum.
    Girls basically as long as you’ve got birth control in place your sex life is your business, no one else’s, unless you feel your mum would be totally cool that you had sex i wouldnt tell her. You’d ust get a lecture about how ‘your only a kid’ and ‘your too young to be doing this’ but its your life live it how you want it xo

  4. avatarsxyangelbabe says:

    What is the need to tell your mom. What will she do? yell, scream, slap you, call you names, emotional blackmail, tears etc etc.
    If you are assured you will get a broadminded, mature response then by all means go for it and tell her. Some moms are really cool. They know that sex will happen and it is just a matter of time. Those are a rare few ! They also begin talking to their daughters and encourae them to take precautions like the pill or encourage the use of condoms.
    God if my mom knew I lost my virginity when I was just turning 13, she would have a heart attack and maybe kill me too. My boyfriend is so knowledgeable, but he is much older. We always have been careful using condoms and he makes me pee soon after we have sex so I dont get a bladder infection. On 3 occasions, unknowingly the condom burst while he was inside me and he cummed inside me. But thankfully he had a ready stash of planB which he gave me and it was all okay. I am so glad I am with someone older and responsible

  5. avatarElizabeth says:

    My parents are religious and have told me to wait till marriage. i want to marry the guy i lost my virginity to. He wants to marry me. I would love to tell just my mom ive had sex(just before I turned 17) but I don’t want her to be mad or tell my dad or ruin my chances of marrying this guy because she thinks he’s not good for me then. It’s really sad but I know they wouldn’t be accepting, they’d forgive yes, but it wouldn’t be a lifestyle I could let them know about. They would want me to stop having sex and remain abstinent till marriage.

  6. avatarBrizz says:

    Im 17 going to 18 in a week & I lost my virginity when I was 16, ive never told my mom anything. I do know she suspects it or just doesent wanna see the reality. I think its because she never gave me “the talk” she knows almost all my friends are sexually active and thats why I assume she already knows. When I go out with my boyfriend she only gives me the look and tells me to “behave” but I want to tell her the truth already I want her to know and get closer to her bcuse me & my mom have a horrible mother-daughter relationship and thats why im super scared too plus my mom is EXTREMELY STRICT uugghh I dont know what to do I wanna open up to her but shes such a difficult person!! :/ HELP!!

  7. avatarNicholette Evans says:

    My boyfriend and I have had sex a lot, and i havent told my mom yet because shes already told me if i do have sex i’ll get in a boatload of trouble. I dont really want to tell my mom about it (weve never been that close) but what if we get closer as i grow up and she finds out? i have no clue what to do!

  8. avatarmichelle says:

    Now from my experiance i lost my v card when i turned 18 to my bf of 3 year. I wasn’t haveing sex when i told my mom i wanted to go on birthcontrol. She was taken by the conversation a little bit but in the end she was glad that i came to her. she knew that since i went toher and told her that i wanted to be protected if i had sex and because of that she gave me a lot more respect and tought me how to put on a condom(since i am a ferm believer in useing and knowing how to use them properly). After that i had gained her respect snd i think she viewed me more as an adult that was makeing a wise choice then her little 6 year old girl if you know what i mean.

  9. avatarKamoria says:

    anyone who is having sex should tell their mama!

  10. avatarKirstie says:

    My boyfriend and I had originally planned to save ourselves for marriage, but two years of dating without sex was extremely difficult. Needless to say, our plans changed. I was already taking birth control before I became sexually active in order to control my period and therefore have to go to the gynecologist on a regular basis to get my prescription renewed. I haven’t had any vaginal exams or anything; just questions about my menstruation cycle and that kind of thing. The thing is, my next appointment is coming up and I know I need to be honest with my doctor and tell her that I am no longer a virgin. There just isn’t any way for me to start having “true” gynecology visits without my mom knowing. (She does, after all, still pay the bill.) I’m terrified of telling my mom that I’ve been having sex, primarily because she is a big supporter of abstinence. She has always said I can tell her anything, but I worry that she will become extremely protective and no longer allow my boyfriend and I to have as much freedom.

  11. avatarJayelee says:

    I think its best for anyone who is sexually active to open to their parents about it, its hard I know, I had to help my friend tell her mom about her losing v-card. At first she took it hard but she was glad afterwards that she was open about it. who knows what might happen if you don’t tell her. and she might find out somehow so why not tell her now.

  12. avatarTanisha says:

    I really want to tell my mom that I recently lost it but I know shes going to be mad and disappointed at me since she has no idea that I even kissed let alone done anything with a boy. Another reason is I snuck out late night since I’m not allowed to go out with boys especially and he wasn’t my boyfriend. I want her to know about me and my life before I leave for college but she’s so strict and doesn’t have an open mind plus she’s worried about what others think.

    • avatarjames says:

      i don’t understand what is this girls thinking about. do you think losing virginity is your greatest achievement, most of american parents know their daughter has lost their virginity around 16 years. Also some lies are better to accept as truth than experiencing bitter reality.

  13. avatarTkia Sanchez says:

    well my boyfriend and i both lost our v-cards and i don't wanna tell my mom that im having sex especially that i've done it 5 times. She is gonna be extremely mad with me so i prefer not to tell her

    • avatarMichaela says:

      Hi Tkia,
      My friend didn’t tell her mom that her and her boyfriend were having sex and her mom and dad both got extremely mad when they found out. So I would suggest telling her, she might not be as mad as you think, and it will only be worse if she finds out after you have been doing it for a long time. Plus you need to go to the doctor for check ups after you have sex anyway. So telling her might be the best thing to do.
      But That’s my opinion, you don’t have to take it

  14. avatarNancy says:

    All I can say is even though I didn't tell my mom whether I'm having sex or not my mom put me on the pill awhile after she met my boyfriend. I'm not having sex but I know my mom would act harshly if I told her I was so I hope your mom Is calm and I hope she won't go to drastic measures because you had sex. Best of luck!

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