Dear Heather,

My boyfriend and I attempted to lose our virginity today… and it was a little rockier a process than we had initially anticipated! When he tried to go in, it wouldn’t go in past the tip and even then it’d keep slipping out. In addition to not getting to really feel it that much, I became distracted by trying to help him get it in that I couldn’t enjoy it much.

I felt really embarrassed about this and although he reassured me that he loved it anyway, and the reason for the difficulties was probably due to the lubrication on the condom and the cramped position the couch put us in — I’m not really convinced. I was also confused because I was super wet when we did it and the condom was lubricated… yet that only seemed to worsen the slipping.

I can’t help but feel like I screwed up our first time somehow and it’s made me kinda depressed. Also I’m not even sure to consider myself a virgin or not cause it didn’t go in all the way…

It sounds like your first time was really, really — normal! Even though sex looks easy and awesome in the movies and on TV, in real life, it can be awkward, confusing, and pretty messy. It’s all part of the fun, and it’s totally okay.

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You should really accept and believe that not having the “perfect” first time is not at all your fault. I’d actually say this was a much better experience than a lot of gURLs have. Think about it: you wanted to do it; you used a condom and were safe about it (yay!); you were with a person you felt comfortable with who didn’t make you feel pressured, and who later reassured you that everything was fine (he sounds like a great guy, by the way); and it didn’t hurt. Be proud of yourself, not depressed, about what happened!

For more success next time around, try relaxing yourself as best you can, especially your pelvic muscles. A cramped couch might not be the best place if you require a some space to get cozy — find someplace private and comfortable for the both of you. This will help him get inside of you easier, and will allow you to enjoy the experience. Even though the lubrication can make things slip and slide, it’ll make things feel great once he’s inside of you. You could also use a non-lubricated condom — it just might make things a little painful if you’re not wet enough. Go slowly, communicate before and during the sex, try out different positions, don’t just focus on “getting there” and instead keep your energy and thoughts on how amazing it feels to be intimate with your partner.

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Feel free to giggle and laugh at the situation — it’s totally allowed during sex. If you find that you’re still not ready when you try again, take some time off to build up your confidence. This won’t be the last time you get to have sex in your life. The more pressure you put on the situation, the more likely you’ll let yourself down.

And as I’ve said before: Virginity is a state of mind. There’s no real definition of it. If you still feel like you haven’t officially done it, then sure, consider yourself a virgin. Totally up to you.

Let me know how it goes, okay?

WDYT gURLs? Was your first time anything like this? How did you make it feel better the next time? Share your stories and advice below!

take care,
heather