My First Time Was Really Awkward. Now What?

Dear Heather,

My boyfriend and I attempted to lose our virginity today… and it was a little rockier a process than we had initially anticipated! When he tried to go in, it wouldn’t go in past the tip and even then it’d keep slipping out. In addition to not getting to really feel it that much, I became distracted by trying to help him get it in that I couldn’t enjoy it much.

I felt really embarrassed about this and although he reassured me that he loved it anyway, and the reason for the difficulties was probably due to the lubrication on the condom and the cramped position the couch put us in — I’m not really convinced. I was also confused because I was super wet when we did it and the condom was lubricated… yet that only seemed to worsen the slipping.

I can’t help but feel like I screwed up our first time somehow and it’s made me kinda depressed. Also I’m not even sure to consider myself a virgin or not cause it didn’t go in all the way…

It sounds like your first time was really, really — normal! Even though sex looks easy and awesome in the movies and on TV, in real life, it can be awkward, confusing, and pretty messy. It’s all part of the fun, and it’s totally okay.

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You should really accept and believe that not having the “perfect” first time is not at all your fault. I’d actually say this was a much better experience than a lot of gURLs have. Think about it: you wanted to do it; you used a condom and were safe about it (yay!); you were with a person you felt comfortable with who didn’t make you feel pressured, and who later reassured you that everything was fine (he sounds like a great guy, by the way); and it didn’t hurt. Be proud of yourself, not depressed, about what happened!

For more success next time around, try relaxing yourself as best you can, especially your pelvic muscles. A cramped couch might not be the best place if you require a some space to get cozy — find someplace private and comfortable for the both of you. This will help him get inside of you easier, and will allow you to enjoy the experience. Even though the lubrication can make things slip and slide, it’ll make things feel great once he’s inside of you. You could also use a non-lubricated condom — it just might make things a little painful if you’re not wet enough. Go slowly, communicate before and during the sex, try out different positions, don’t just focus on “getting there” and instead keep your energy and thoughts on how amazing it feels to be intimate with your partner.

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Feel free to giggle and laugh at the situation — it’s totally allowed during sex. If you find that you’re still not ready when you try again, take some time off to build up your confidence. This won’t be the last time you get to have sex in your life. The more pressure you put on the situation, the more likely you’ll let yourself down.

And as I’ve said before: Virginity is a state of mind. There’s no real definition of it. If you still feel like you haven’t officially done it, then sure, consider yourself a virgin. Totally up to you.

Let me know how it goes, okay?

WDYT gURLs? Was your first time anything like this? How did you make it feel better the next time? Share your stories and advice below!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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  • chrystal

    i’m 21 and my bf is 28, nice guy, we been dating for almost 3 months now, i’m still virgin, and i never thought of having sex before, he’s my first bf, he thinks it’s time we have sex but i’m not sure, sometimes i feel like i should, or i shouldn’t,…very confused but i feel like it’s still early…what should i do?

    • Monts

      Hi Chrystal, dont be pressured by your boyfriend to have sex. If you are not comfortable talk to him about you being a virgin, if he really likes you, he will respect your wishes. I am 19 yrs and still a virgin, just make sure you are sure you want to go through with it. :) goodluck

  • Gina

    I’m 35…still a virgin…wanna make love to a guy but feel emberased…. what shall I do?

  • kudzai moyo mbizo

    I had a first sex with my boyfriend dubz dubery I was on the top of him then he said

  • vijay

    how to put hole in gals vagina?? Wat shld I do to put my dick in der??

  • Layla

    I just recently turned 16 and me and my boyfriend have sex but he’s always on top, when I get on top he says it kinda hurts, any advice? And girls for your first time try as you’re lying on your back try bending you’re kneas and relax.

  • Gabrielle

    My boyfriend and I tried to have sex the other night. We’re both virgins, so we didn’t really know how to do it. When we tried, he had a condom on, and it kept slipping out. I don’t know if part of that was because I was a little nervous, or what. All in all, it was amazing, even if we didn’t have sex, but I’m just wondering what I can change to make it better?

  • nectarios

    I haven’t done sex yet. Can you give mr some tips please?

  • Jackie

    I also had a similar problem my first time. When I was underneath, he went in just fine. He tried to change up a little by getting me on top but it didn’t go in. I was really embarressed & felt awkward but we both just kinda laughed it off and went back to missionary. After that it was fine :)

  • Baby G

    Well I would like to say its just good for the unmarried to get married befor having sex cus it makes ur man trust and also love you more.And also do what ever you do with the fear of God,I love u all.

    • natalia

      Fortunately Baby G, we grow out of believing in fairy tales. Hope your life is full of those fairy tales. Unfortunately being impracical you will end up being disappointed.
      Remember we are misinterpreting god’s message to us. He said “go forth and multiply”
      He never once said a) Not to have sex at 13 / early age b) He never once said NOT to have premarital sex.
      All the 10 commandments say is for you “NOT to covet thy neighbours wife”
      There is nowhere in the holy scriptures that rules that we must not have sex at an early age or NOT to have premarital sex.
      If you believe God created us with those physiologic functions, one of them being sex, then to have sex is what god wanted us to do.
      Sorry to pop your bubble. This is the religious misinformation that is such bullshit !!

      • LS

        SATAN

        IDIOTIC

      • Gabrielle

        So, Natalia, how is direct scripture “religious misinformation?”

        1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
        Romans 1:24-25
        1 Corinthians 7:8-9
        Matthew 15:19-20

        Don’t think of God’s instructions as stuffy dogma;
        Instead, recognize that God loves us and has better
        judgement than any man, woman, or child.

  • sasya

    I think your first time is completely normal.
    I took me and my partner about 10 minutes to get his little friend inside me. And after it got inside, it felt so good for me, I kinda forgot where my hands are, and almost choked him.
    It happened very rarely that a first time can go so smoothly. As long as you’re not pushed into doing or he can’t get it up, I believe there’s nothing to be depressed about.
    And you used protection! Good for you, girl! :)

  • tashainlurve

    first time is always awkward. It is something new you arent used to.Everyone expects it to be painful and then you believe you will bleed and this causes you to be all nervous and anxious.
    I was 12 didnt know anything and just went with the flow. Sex is fun and you dont need to be ready as some would say. You dont need to be ready to enjoy sex. Just be careful and make sure he uses a condom.
    I dont think he even used a condom on me the first time. He just pulled out and all this stuff squirted onto my tummy. It wasnt sore. He used a lot of stuff so he could put his penis inside me. He felt I was too tiny. The second time he pulled out but made me suck him and he cummed in my mouth and made me swallow. He went down on me a lot and it made me so horny. I didnt know what to do and I just let him f**k me. He was so experienced he knew what to do. He was the only black guy Ive ever had sex with. He took my virginity. I was so scared and worried and i thought something bad would happen. A week later he left to go back to the USA. He was down for work experience. He was a really cool guy and a great musician.
    Having sex is not bad. It isnt abuse . I know he was older but still…I was confused but I enjoyed the experience.

  • Cheery

    I am 34 and am still a virgin, can you help?

    • ahmed

      where are you from ?!

    • Sachin

      I can help u..by doing it..contact me..

  • sxyangelbabe

    LOL, its always awkward the first time. yes that can be a problem. I lost my virginity when I was turning 13.He was a lot bigger. THICK! and he was worried it might hurt me. He used a whole load of lube, squirted some inside me and also on his penis. To stop the slipping which kept happening, he put a pillow under my butt and asked me to hold it in position and he made me keep holding it like that till he forced it in and kept pushing it in deeper. It didnt really hurt because i was so horney by then and I was so turned on. I did feel myself stretch, I kept rubbing my clit while he was doing it. It was fantastic. I was a bit sore later but not at the time he was pushing it into me.
    So yeah it can be awkward but it will get better with time. Dont be too anxious. Being relaxed helps.

  • BETH WRIGHT

    HI MY NAME IS BETH I HAVENT HAD SEX YET BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO. AND I LIKE WOMEN AND NOT MEN. I ‘VE BE IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GREAT PERSON FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS NEXT MONTH. AND WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER BUT SO FAR WE ANT HAD IT YET WE BOTH ARE WAITING FOR A GOOD TIME TO DO IT.

    P.S JUST A LITTLE REMINDER TO ALL OF THE YOUNGER GIRLS AND BOYS OUT THERE DONT HAVE SEX TIL U ARE READY TO. U REALLY HAVE TO BE READY TO FACE THE REAL WORLD SO DONT HAVE SEX AT A YOUNG AGE WAIT TO U ARE 18 YEARS OLD SO THAT U ARE OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR OWEN CHOOSES TO HAVE SEX AT A YOUNG AGE OR WAIT TIL U ARE OLDER K.

  • Gwen

    I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend recently, and it’s exactly how the person above described it, minus the couch. We were both actually laughing that we failed at our first time, but it was still great. Anyways, I’d listen to Heather’s advice- which is how my first time was more on the positive side than the person who wrote the above letter.

  • Emily

    How do sex feels

    • Hannah

      It feel like rainbows and unicorns going in you vigina

  • Chyna

    Ok so ive been diggin a hole for myself with this lie tht im nt a virgin when infact I am ive been telling it so long everyon beleives me but nw I want to have sex with this guy and im scared that it will hurt or it will be akward and I just dnt knw wat to do I need advixe

  • frierson

    hey how do you have sex anyway it is so strang

  • Shayene

    I have sex with my boyfriend dated back last 2009.. At first, I became nervous and makes me feel discomfort.. But when we did, oh noh I feel like im in heaven.. I do wana finish that evening.. (though we keep on hiding because my boyfriend’s mother might arrived).

    That incident happened again and again and again.. I just soon realize that Im being addicted to him.. oh noh.. am i that too addict? or its just natural to have sex because Im madly deeply in love with my boyfriend.