i was abused as a child. will sex hurt now that i’m older and in control?

sofia vergara's a survivor, too!

Hi Heather,
I’m 17 and my boyfriend and I have been talking about sex. I was sexually abused as a child it resulted in me not being a virgin anymore. He knows this and he’s amazingly supportive for my recovery. (I just started getting help about a month ago.) But anyways, it was years ago and I was just wondering will sex hurt as much as if I was a virgin? It’s my first time actually choosing to have sex, and I would just like to know if you have any idea whether it’s gonna be really uncomfortable or not. Oh and if it helps, I don’t masturbate or anything like that. I would just like to know if you have any advise also? I know to use a condom, but if it’s gonna be uncomfortable, is there anything else I could do to make it less uncomfortable?

I think the steps you’re taking right now are great: Getting outside professional support, building a loving relationship with a supportive person you can trust, discussing sex before having it, committing to using protection — you’re a role model to any gURL thinking about having sex. I’m so proud of you!

I know you don’t consider yourself a virgin, but I say virginity is a state of mind. This experience will be absolutely nothing like what you went through as a child. You’re in control now, and you’re the one calling the shots.

There’s a chance that having sex with your boyfriend will be uncomfortable, but there are definitely ways of making sex feel a whole lot better.

|Have you been abused and need some serious support? Your fellow gURLs are here for you.|

My advice for you is to take it slow. Make sure you and your partner keep communication open while you’re engaging in foreplay and during the act itself. It sounds like you’re with a great person who respects your needs. You don’t have to be nervous or scared; sex is about intimacy and enjoying yourself, so don’t worry about finishing, or anything but feeling comfortable and happy. Stop and go as you please.

To make things easier physically, take your time and make sure you’re each relaxed and turned on before he enters you. The less stressed you are, the more your PC muscles will relax, making for an easier entrance. Lube and lubricated condoms help reduce friction as well.

I’d also give some thought to masturbating beforehand. It’ll put you in touch with your body and allow to be that much more comfortable with yourself and your own sexuality. Plus, it feels good, it’s safe, and it’s fun!

|This gURL lost her v-card to a guy with a girlfriend. What should she do?|

And remember: It’s totally okay if you find that you’re just not ready yet. Having sex for the first time is a big deal for anyone! If you have any other worries or concerns, communicate them with the therapist or counselor you’re getting help from. I’m sure they, too, have some coping techniques.

And gURLs, do you have any advice? Are you a survivor who has gone on to have some great sex? Share!

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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  • Caroline

    Hey, im a surviver of abuse and i got taken into foster care. I was only a young child myself but i am 18 now and i live with my partner who i love to pieces and my beautiful little baby boy. Being abused has only made me a stronger person and my partner was great when i told him when we first met just over 2 years ago. We took things slow and he asked me if i was ready 4 sex. It is hard 2 for
    get but from my experience all i can say is be honest about ur feelings and only have sex when ur ready. Also think about the present and future and put the past in the past and dont look back at what happened