i lost my virginity to a guy who’s in a relationship! what do i do?

Dear Heather,
HELP! So I had sex for the first time with this boy I’ve liked for a long time and he said he had feelings for me as well but he has a girlfriend away at a different college. I know getting in the middle of someone else’s relationship is wrong and I made that clear with him before we did it, but once things got started neither of us wanted to stop. I don’t regret the sex or who it was with; I just regret the circumstances. My feelings aren’t over the moon for him — I just kinda feel the same — almost as if sex didn’t change anything. I don’t expect him to leave his girl but I can’t help but feel neglected in the situation. I told him my feelings were still the same after suggesting we give each other some space. So what do I do now? I’m going to get checked out at the doctors and take care of my sexual health but what do I do about him?

Good for you for going to the doc to make sure you’re healthy! I hope though, that doesn’t mean you had unprotected sex? No matter how “in the moment” you’re feeling, the real thing to regret in this situation is being left with an STD which can effect the rest of your moments forever. I don’t want to scare you; it’s just that putting on a condom is the best thing you can do for both of you! So promise me next time, whether it’s with him or someone else, cover his dong and you won’t go wrong.

|Not to scare you, but STDs are scary!!! See what we mean?|

Ok, enough of the responsible adult stuff. As much as we want to deny it, sex, for most of us, does change things. Sure, you can have sex and feel no different, but honestly it’s rare. Sex literally releases the hormones that make you feel you’re in love. So, if you’re in like with someone and you have sex with them, it’s a physiological fact that most likely develop stronger emotions for them. Your feeling of neglect is totally valid, and it’s normal to feel that way after being so intimate with him. Especially since it was your first time.

|What will your first time feel like? Find out what other gURLs experienced and ask q’s on the Shout Out Boards!|

You actually can change the circumstances. You have the choice to either tell him that you won’t do the dirty with him until he can commit to you (and only you), or you have the option of finding an available guy who can commit to you and offer you the security you want. I think the latter option is actually awesome, because you have learned a lot about yourself in these circumstances that will totally help you with a new, healthy relationship. I know it’s not easy to get over a guy you like, especially after losing your virginity to him, but I also think it’s hard to have sex with someone you don’t trust, and it’s hard to trust a cheater, and he’s a cheater. When you realize that your crush isn’t actually all that good for you, it’s a whole lot easier to move on. Right?

And gURLs, how do you get over a guy? Do you have any tips? Or, do you think she should try to work things out with him?

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Dating, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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  • innocent mermaid

    I live with my mom. She is 31. I hate my mom for divorcing my dad for this younger bloke who is 4 yrs younger than her.
    When mom was away he came over and I wanted to get back at her for hurtin my dad. He started flirtin wit me and I did the same. He got me naked and started doing stuff. I have never been with a guy before and I ended up not only had sex with him but it was also my first time ever.
    I dont regret what I did. 🙁

    • hallie

      OMG were u okay with tht? did he kno u were r a virgin? like did u enjoy it doin it wit him? did u r mom find out? was it gud? i kno sum gurls like older guys, I wud hav been relly nervus but I guess ummm nvm.. did it hurt wen he put it inside u? did u like it?

    • shalee

      27 is not that old. You are still in school I guess. If you like doing it with him just make sure your mom dont find out. It will get messy. I would advise you to go on the pill especially if you are going to be doing it with him often. I guess this will keep happening a lot, now that your mom and he have hooked up. There will be plenty of opportunities for you especially when she leaves you alone with him. I dont think 27 is old. When I was turning 15 I lost it to a 32 yr old guy who was linked to our swimming team. It was great and such fun. So many girls and moms fancied him.

      • innocent mermaid

        I dont mind his age. Ever since I wus 11 I had a crush on him and I use to have fantasy of him as my bf. My mom always knew I liked him. I wus so peed off wen my mom started dating the guy who I always liked. I felt bad for my dad too.
        I really enjoyed my FIRST time with him and I wasnt scared or anything. It went on for hours. I made him eat me out a lot. He was so worried he mite get into trouble becoz I am 14 but I toled him it wus okay. I now go to his place a lot and we have a lot of sex. I really dont care if my mom finds out. I think she knows and suspects sumthn is happening.

        • redHeadgurl

          you must hate her from stealing your crush and bf. Did you tell him you always liked him from a very young age? Did he feel the same for you? I bet you enjoyed it. It is the best experience giving yourself for the first time to your very first crush. Dont feel guilty but be discreet. He could get into trouble because of the crappy law. I tell you it is the best feeling having that kind of privacy at his own place. The sex even feels a lot better. 14 and 27 is not that big an age difference. It is so cool. 🙂 😛

        • strategist

          so your mom knew she was stealing from you, the one you liked and had a crush on. Good on you for doing what you did. Did you enjoy it? I bet you did.
          Did you actually see your mom and him doing it? Was that something that made you annoyed with her?
          27 is not that old. For a guy, they mature and become reliable men after 26 and nearing 30. How old are you? If your mom is 31 you must be about 14 or 15.
          I think you must have had a great “first time” because his age and maturity would have been just right for you and perfect because he would have taken trouble, unlike guys your age, to make sure you enjoyed the whole experience. I love older guys too. Never ever been with guys my age.
          Till you are about 17 dont let anyone find out. Keep it quiet if you want to continue with him. You dont even have to tell your mom. You are a better catch for him than your mom and I am sure he will want to continue with you once you hit 16. Cool stuff.

  • Annalysse Kwan McAdam

    The same thing happened to me… I had sex with my crush, even though he was taken at the time. I know it was wrong of me to do what I did with a guy who was already taken. However, I have no regrets. Those special moments we shared, will be forever engraved in my mind, heart, and soul. <3

  • jessica

    I live with my older sis and she has a bf. She is 19 and he is about 7 years older. They have been together for nearly 6 years.
    I lost my virginity to him 2 years ago. I am now 14. My sis was away that weekend and gave in to my infatuation and went all the way with my sisters boyfriend. We did it a lot that weekend and he told me that he always liked me a lot. I promised him that I would never let my sister know.
    That week with him was the best week of my life.

  • aelx123

    i luv ur technic. LUV IT!!


  • sam

    when i break up wiv some1 i get sad. but just remember LCR what ull need is 5 chocolett bars, 2 ice cream boxez ,a funny movie, ur bffs, and then u call up ur x and giv 'em a pease of ur mind! i call it lcr …Laugh all night with ur friends Cuss out ur x and Rott ur teeth out!! thats the way 2 go and ull be over that dumb a** in no time then when u can actually walk out in public whithout crying go git urself another lover that u know and trust.