we’ve been together 2 years, but he won’t make it official. how do i get him to commit?

sigh. if only it were so easy.

Dear Heather,
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been going out with a guy for two years. And we’re still not officially together. His relationship with his ex-girlfriend had a great impact on him when they broke up, but that was three years ago. That girl is now madly in love with another guy.

I know that he treasures me, because I’m really close to his family members and they all seem to think we’re gonna end up married. But when I ask him if he loves me enough or why he won’t ask me to be his girlfriend, he always tries to make a joke out of it.

Until he told me that he doesn’t have that same intense feeling that he had with his ex with me. He just doesn’t feel the same. He and his ex had so many things to talk about, but when it comes to him and I it isn’t the case. He says he feels really selfish because he feels that I’m wonderful, and he wants to keep me because he knows that he may never find another like me. He also tells me that he can’t help looking at other girls that are hotter and slimmer than me. And he tells me that he wishes I would exercise and slim down.

What should I do? I feel really alone in this. Please help!

We accept the love we think we deserve; by staying with your guy, it’s as if you think you don’t deserve love at all.

|Need relationship advice right now? Lots of gURLs are here to help on the Shout Out Boards.|

Even though you may be close with his family and he tells you’re wonderful, you are not in a healthy relationship. I know that you so badly hope that this guy will eventually fall in love with you, but if it’s been two year and it hasn’t happened, it never will. It sounds like he is too weak and insecure to leave you, so instead he’s dragging you along until he finds a gURL he can fall in love with — and it’ll only be a matter of time until he does.

It’s also a red flag this guy compares you not only to his ex, but also to other gURLs. Telling someone you would love them more if they lost weight is extremely controlling. By making you feel like you’re not beautiful enough, you get down on yourself, start to think that no one would ever love you, and then stay with the guy who will at least (I’m assuming) hook up with you.

|This gURL’s got it bad for her teacher! What should she do? Heather helps.|

Break this cycle now by taking some time for yourself, away from him and his family. Not having any contact might hurt at first, but you need to remove yourself from situation because it will not get better for you until you move on. Hang out with friends, talk to new guys, do whatever makes you happy for a while and, trust me, it will get better. Maybe after you’ve healed you’ll be ready to start a friendship with this guy and his family members again, but only after you put your happiness and needs first.

Let me know how it all works out, okay?

Do any gURLs out there have advice of their own? I’d love to hear what you think.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

more ways to get gURLy:

Posted in: Body Image, Dating, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sucky Emotions, Sucky Emotions
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  • karen

    He doesn’t deserve, date someone and the dump. CHEAT

  • Meagan

    I am going through the exact same thing and know where your coming from. I have been with the same guy on and off for a year and a half. He will not commit to me either and i have told him i love him and he knows i would do almost anything for him. His parents do like me as well which i know is always a hard thing when your great with the parents. My guy never wants to bring me around his friends or his sport activities for whatever reasons. He claims that we fight and thats the reason we arent together he communicates with me hardly ever i try to talk about us and it turns into a huge blow out. Its hard when you really care about a person and you cant be with them. I honestly cant give you any good advice because i know people say its wrong and you know its wrong too but its so hard to let go. Sometimes you just got to tell yourself your better and respect yourself and know your worth more. Mr.Right will come along, and its true they come back and still dont know what they want it will never happen.

  • sam

    yea what casey said ur not the fill in girl-friend!!! this guy only wants u 2 stay around till another hottie comes around the corner!!! so chick id break up BEFORE u get hurt dont w8 till he does, because ur gonna be sittin in bed crying ur eyes out and nowhone wants 2 c dat happen 2 u, trust me if uve eva been dumped u know what it feels like u dont stop crying 4 a long time. *-* hope dat helped dump that jurk!!!

  • So true. A guy who likes you for your body parts or tells you he 'dislikes' parts of you is not going to be true to you. My ex-boyfriend used to like me because apparently had "big boobies, nice body" and instead of playing dumb and dealing with it, I went feminist on him and we broke up. I join clubs that give girls rights to examine how boys treat girls. I like boys and I'm all up for dating, but WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS!!!

  • Casey

    From what I have heard of your relationship, you deserve SO much more than what this guy is giving you. You are a young woman – beautiful, smart, and obviously loving to deal with such a relationship for so long. The fact is however, that you gave it a shot, and the ball just didn't make it in. You need to really think if this guy makes you happy. If he is lowering your self esteem and self image, the minimal amount of love his is giving you isn't worth it! You are so much more than a replacement or fill in girl-friend, and you deserve to be treated as such!!! You have all our support behind you – I hope you make the choice that fits you the best and brings you the most happiness. Good luck. ;0)