My mom has a tendency to talk badly about girls who lose their virginity before they are married, yet she did when she was 17. One day, while she was ranting about how girls these days are such sluts, something she said had absolutely ticked me off and so I told her that I lost my virginity the night I went camping with my boyfriend (now ex). I was 15 at the time. She flipped out on me telling me I’m worthless & that “no good guy will want me now”. She apparently can’t trust me now even though I was honest with her. Why is she being like this? Why would she say those things?
Gosh, that’s awful that she said such mean things! I’m so sorry!
It sounds like your mom is motivated by fear. She’s so worried that you might sleep with a dude, get preggers and “ruin your life”; she’s so afraid your heart might be broken or that you’ll fall for the “wrong guy”; she’s so obviously afraid you’ll make the same “mistakes” she made, that she feels like she has to scare you, too, onto the “right path.” But boy is she misled in thinking that fear is the way to do it!
It’s the same kind of thinking that leaves schools without sex education courses and spreads AIDS and other STDs around the world.
I’m sorry she said such hurtful things to you – but they were probably said to scare you because she loves you. It sounds like you’re responsible with your body and as long as that’s true, you should absolutely feel like you are a trustworthy person. I think it’s great you opened up to her! But because of her reaction, you now know that you can’t talk to her about things like that. That’s one of the hardest parts about growing up — realizing that you can’t tell your parents everything as you did when you were a kid. Somehow, telling your mom you’re not a virgin just isn’t the same as telling her about that time when you stole you bff’s eraser from her desk in 5th grade and felt really badly about it. You know? It’s a sucky part of growing up, and some kids don’t have to deal with it. It sucks that you do, but the silver lining? Her fear will be your strength. You know the deal. You know that the right man for you won’t care if you’ve slept with someone before! You know you are valuable!
Instances like this might happen again: where your values as an adult don’t align with hers. Try not to engage in a fight or judge her, even if she is ridiculous (which, in my opinion, she is in this situation). Just learn from it and know what you can and can’t say in front of her. When it comes to sex and teenagers, parents like your mom don’t always think logically. They think fearfully.
She will have this reaction to talks about sex probably until you’re married, so just know that this topic might be best left alone, unless you think you need to see a doc for any reason.
What’s bothering you? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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