i’m Christian and horribly sexual! how do i stop?!

should you really care what he thinks?

Dear Heather,

I’m Christian — most of the time — and yet, horribly sexual. I have cyber-sex with strangers on the Internet, masturbate, and read some really… kinky erotic lit. It makes me feel awful afterwards, and though I know the idea is that ‘sexual stimulation isn’t wrong’ my personal beliefs are that it is. For me, at least. I feel so dirty afterwards. What should I do to stop, cold turkey? I keep telling myself I’ll stop but then one of my online sex partners will talk to me and we’ll get going and I just can’t help myself!

I don’t care what your religion is — Christian, Buddhist, Jewish whatever — there is NOTHING WRONG with what you are doing. NOTHING. So why are you letting a prescribed set of beliefs infiltrate your personal ones?

You’re 14! That’s exactly the time when you should be questioning who you are, what you want to be, and what you believe. And in this case, it seems like your religion needs to be more flexible to your needs and not the other way around. If you were engaging in morally wrong acts, I’d have a different answer for you. But, I think your sex drive sounds healthy and responsible and that you are safely exploring it as any 14-year-old can and should.

Have cyber sex (safely? please? no webcams, not with older people, anonymously, etc.)! Masturbate! Getting in touch with your sexuality is an important part of finding out who you are. While not every gURL goes through it the way you do, it’s normal and healthy.

|Did you know loads of other gURLs share their online sexcapades with each other? Check out the Shout Out Boards! |

If you still feel dirty, then maybe it’s not for you! While I believe that it’s OK to feed your healthy sexual appetite in a safe and responsible way, you may still be struggling. Cold turkey is a way to stop. Find something better to occupy your mind. Hang out with your friends more (make it hard to be alone!), indulge in TV, pick up a book, get into your sport, etc. Your hormones will naturally calm down soon and you won’t feel the need to get off as often.

But did you know that the Bible does not actually address masturbation directly? In fact, it appears that much of the religious opposition to masturbation is based on an interpretation of a biblical passage about a man named Onan who used the withdrawal method to prevent pregnancy. Nevertheless, many contemporary religions still teach that masturbation (or any other sexual activity outside of marriage) is wrong. In reality, this is really just a matter of personal conviction, as there is no scientific evidence that masturbation is harmful.

But I will leave you with a Bible quote that may help, from Phil 4:8:
Finally, [sisters], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

take care,

heather

What’s bothering you? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

more ways to get gURLy:


Posted in: Everything Else, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex
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37 Comments

  1. avatarMarla says:

    I’m a Christian too. However, I have many regrets, including involvement in webcam sex that I would take back in a heartbeat. There was one man I stripped for that I will never forget. After a couple minutes, I asked him to show his stuff too, for he was in the dark and I was unable to get the view my mind was craving. He said he couldn’t turn the light on because he would wake the kids.

    I have made so many mistakes and I would go back to being an innocent Christian girl if I could. Whether or not you think it will, masturbation and porn will have an effect on your relationship with God and your future marriage. I am seventeen and unable to date due to all the impurities and shame filling my heart. It will be a continual challenge in the next years to slowly let go and accept God’s forgiveness. I would advise anyone currently struggling in this area or curious about sexuality to do a 180. Best of wishes!

  2. avatarNoelle says:

    I actually grew up in a very christian family. I’ve watch porn and sometimes its lesbian porn. It makes me wonder if i am lesbian or if the Lord is disappointed in me. i told my cousin that i had a “problem” and she told me that God is okay with it as long as you ask him for help and forgiveness and things like that.

    be wonderful!

    <3/noelle

  3. avatarJenna says:

    Honestly, everyone has different boundries and limits on thier sexulality. But exploring these sexual feelings can be healthy, but can also turn destructive. I don’t really advise cyber sex, as it involves people you may not be able to trust. But masterbation is another thing completly in my oppinion. Along with sexual thought and readings, I find these MUCH less destructive. It’s a fine line, and everyone sees this line in different places.

    I am not religious, only because I like to figure things out by myself. I want find out MY own morals and what I truelly care about. Until then, I want to stay religionless so I can keep an open mind and grow with my morals. But I never judge another person’s beliefs, as it is such a close and personal thing. Thinking you are the only one right, or judgement towards certain beleifs can only bring hate and ignorance.

    Im 15, and totally understand what you are going through. I thought I was the only one who mastrubated! It’s even harder as a gurl since their is so much less talk about mastruabation among gurls. But then I started talking to my friends about it, and realized I wasn’t alone. Which kind of dimminished the feelings of it being “dirty”. I have christian firends who have some of my same veiws about it, and some opposing. So try to take your religion out of it first. Does this harm anyone? Does this make me feel bad about yourself or your body? Why do you have these feelings about mastrubation? Then put your religion in the equation. Try and find a balance you are comfortable with.

    Finding your sexuality (and that does not always mean “Gay”, its also means your boundries as a sexual person) and your comfort zone is key. And if it isn’t comfortable for you now, maybe it will be different in a couple years. Stay true to you.

    Stay healthy, live your life, and have an open mind!

    - Jenna

  4. avatarlalala says:

    Well im not an expert but ill give you my christian view on this. You’re only 14 and you’re into cybersex? I dont agree with that and it could be kinda dangerous. For all you know you could be engaging with a grown man 20 years older than you. As far as masturbation goes, thats fine. Its totally natural. Im pretty sure the bible doesnt say anything agaisnt masturbation. In fact its the safest sex (besides no sex) out there. The bible says theres no sex before marriage and many more things on sexual feelings you may have. Maybe you can go on a christian website for advice on this. Or (if you feel comfortable with it) talk to your preacher about it and see what their opinion is.

  5. avatarCharlotte says:

    While I do not encourage young gURLs having cyber sex and doing other sexual stuff, I must say that it is things we cannot help. When we are young we are curious and whether we know if its right or wrong we will still be curious. it is very normal for a young gURL to explore her sexuality. we will try it and we find out more about ourselves by analyzing our reactions to what we did. i believe every gURL has a right to explore who they are and every gURL will eventually explore themselves whether it is at a young age or not. again, i am not approving young girls having cyber sex or doing sexual stuff but i am approving of finding out who you are. Heather might not have chosen the appropriate words for her answer but she is trying to make this gURL feel better about what she is doing. she is letting her know that many gURLs go through the same thing, regardless of what religion they are. as a gURL we will have these feelings within us about who we are. as a gURL we will want to explore and try things to satisfy our curiosity.

  6. avatarO. says:

    Go ask this on a Christian site if you want a Christian answer!

  7. avatarJIillian says:

    I feel the same exact way.

    im 13 and i dont masturbate but i read stories about sex and i like them at the time but afterwards i feel awful and disgusting. I feel like i'm the only person who watches and im not comfortable talkking to anyone about it. not even my best frieend. i dont know what to do, can someone please help me?

    • avatarStarbuck says:

      I'm 23 and have been a Christian since I was very young. I went throught the same exact thing you did. It's very normal to question and seek answers about your sexuality. It's a huge part of the person that you are and are becoming. The truth is, God doesn't like us to have lustful thoughts, but he designed us, and wired us chemically to have them. So you have them. And guess what? So does everyone else. And you think you have it hard, guys have that same problem times a billion. Just know when to stop reading/looking/experiencing/watching sexual media. Most of the stories and movies and porno are pretty racy and nasty. Good news is, when you grow up, you'll grow out of it! So, feeling dirty….it's just not a big deal. Pretty soon, before you know it, you'll be old enough to experience sex in a committed relationship and you won't feel dirty at all. You'll know what it's all about. Just give it time

  8. avatarBrianna says:

    I agree with you Heather,but I'm with some of the other girls on this one. I dont see why you are encouraging cyber sex, I dont think her parents would like her having cyber sex. I'm 14 and I know mine dont mind me masturbating, but cyber sex is completely different. I wouldnt do it if my parents didnt even care (which I know that would never be the case). Im not Christian or anything like it, but I dont like the fact of you encouraging a 14 year like myself to engage in that type of behaviour. She could take the wrong way and end up giving her adress,number,anything personal that could put her in danger.

  9. avatarKimberly says:

    Heather,

    I agree with Stefanie 100%. Heather, your advice to this young girl is careless and destructive. Not only is your disregard for her religon appalling, but your disreagard for the law is down right shocking.

    You cannot encourage a 14 year old girl to have cyber sex, period. The guys she's talking to could be sexual predators, what if they are like twice her age, what if they manipulate her and ask to meet her in person? What if they hurt her?

    No girl deserves to be objectified. And that's why cyber sex is all about, these guys are using her. You don't think she deserves more than that?

    Your advice sucks big time.

    The next time you encourage a 14 year old to have cyber sex with 40 year old freaks, keep in mind that it is a felony for an adult to engage in cyber sex with a minor. Why is it against the law? Because it is harmful and destructive to the child.

    I may not know the exact age of the guys she's cyber sexting with, but chances are they are grown men and I think we all know that.

    Just remember that.

    • avatarcassie says:

      Kimberly, what you said is totall bullshit. there is no law against cybersex, with have something known as the first amendment, that guarentees freedom of speech. it only becomes illegal, if there is solicitation of real life sex, or the transmission of child pornography.

      Cybersex is pure fantasy and is harmless, it doesn't matter if the person on the other side is really a teen girl or an adult guy, since the whole thing is just role playing.

      Also I'm a christian and I masturbate, cybersex, and even look at porn, I know Jesus is watching me and I don't feel any condemnation from him for it, just love. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

      • avatarRenee says:

        Yea… law or none, I think the main concern was the danger of cybersex, and that is real. I think that Heather was simply trying to let her know that its normal to express her sexuality, but she really ought to be cautious where sexual interactions with strangers are concerned.

      • avataraja says:

        okay. you’ve totally got that verse all wrong. when paul wrote that, he meant that when we repent God was faithful and just to forgive us of our sins. he didn’t mean that we can just do whatever we want. the bible speaks NUMEROUS times about staying away from sexual impurity. masturbation, looking at porn, etc. is doing exactly the opposite. the bible also says that everything that’s lawful is not expedient. which means just cuz there is no law against it doesn’t mean you as a christian should be doing it.

        masturbation is impure. no matter how you look at it. i’ve struggled with masturbation too, but i know how God truly feels about it and He’s helping me to stop and truly save myself for my future husband. when you engage in all these sexual things, you awaken something inside of you that should stay “asleep” until you’re married.

        i understand being horny as part of growing up, but don’t encourage it/continue it. i’m also not saying to feel guilty about it. i’m saying pray and ask God for help.

        Jesus does love us with an undying, unconditional love. but with that love comes a request for change. when you choose to accept Him into your heart, change has to come. what you’re doing isn’t okay and if you’re not feeling any conviction about it, something is seriously wrong. i’ll be praying that God opens your eyes to see how he really feels about masturbation, looking at porn, etc.

  10. avatarSaphira357 says:

    I totally agree with you. This is horrible advice for this girl. I'm a Christian to and u can just bend the rules to your own needs that's crazy! All this girl has to do is pray and be sincere and ask God to forgive her. He will renew her life and always love her. You can do anything with God on your side. I hope she reads this and takes this advice. I'm 14 too so I can kind of in a way relate to her.

    • avatarRenee says:

      Its not necessarily that simple. While your advice is valid, and you can relate to her because of age, that's a very difficult struggle to understand. Its probably best that she speak to someone who understands it.

    • avatarShade Sharp says:

      I think the point you're missing is that in the bible, there are only Ten rules, fellow Christian. Ten. The rest, are entirely suggestions for living a better life, and if you believe these are hardset rules, ask yourself why there are over a hundred different versions of the bible. Do you know what God wants? If you really do, then you'd know that he just wanted you to live the best life possible for yourself, and love and appreciate him for giving it to you. If you say you can't "bend the rules" ask yourself, What are the rules? Because I think the only rules you've heard about so far, are the Christian sociological norms, and they're not even Christian. They date back to Protestant reformative beliefs. Uh, how many different types of christian are there? I bet you're not even sure where yours came from. If God thought bending the rules was crazt, he wouldnt let Sinners into Heaven. But oh, look at that. There is always room for a murderer in heaven. God loves us no matter what, and he made us human, with human thoughts bodies and sins. Understand what you say before you say it.

      ~Evangelical Comprehensionist.

  11. avatarDeedee says:

    Wow, I couldn't disagree more with Stefani and Kimberly or agree more with Heather. Heather isn't here to judge anyone. Masturbating and having cyber sex and stuff is totally normal. There's no shame in that. And, there's nothing wrong with or a law that states that minors can't engage in cyber sex, only that they can't do it with adults. You are assuming she's doing it with older people and maybe she's not!

    If she wants to stop, I think Heather gave great advice.

  12. avatarStefanie says:

    Heather

    I am honestly appalled at your response to this girl, telling her to basically abandon all her beliefs and that religion should be “flexible to your needs and not the other way around”. You are being EXTREMELY offensive and not helpful at all to this girl who is going to you for advice. I think you should think more about how what you say affects the people you are advising. You are telling 14 year olds to have cyber sex with random people! Your moral code may be way off center but perhaps you should not tell minors to be involved in such intimate and possibly emotionally damaging activities. Not to mention that she feels awful and dirty about what she has done, a pretty good sign that it is not a good thing perhaps? I do not think the answer to guilt is to abandon all moral code and do whatever you feel like. There are laws and restrictions by all types of authority, both religious and governmental; they are put in place to keep you safe and to avoid the harm of those around you and of yourself. What other laws or rules should minors have no regard for? Drugs? Alcohol? Violence? Where does this line of beliefs stop? How many girls are you leading to emotional turmoil because of your bad advice? Maybe next time when someone looks to you for counsel you should take their moral and religious beliefs into consideration instead of blatantly throwing them out the window. It is extremely rude and disrespectful.

    -Stefanie

    • avatarRenee says:

      …You're doing a lot right now. She addressed the fact that if she was feeling bad or feeling guilty then she should find another way to deal with her feelings. But the truth is, most girls do experience those feelings around her age, and its important to explore them. Letting yourself be strictly bound by religious beliefs, often instilled in you before you even understand them, can cause you to deeply question your feelings about God. She should have explained herself better, but the advice was good.

  13. avatarOllie says:

    OMG….. im the exactly same… im Christian and when i masturbate i feel guilty afterwards and i start thinking about sex and stuff and i dont know why because just a year or two ago i never even knew what masturbating was and i didn't know much about sex as well… im 14

    • avatarPerri says:

      I'm like that too but I'm……………10. And I sooo need to stop.

      • avatarAmorette says:

        I feel really bad :( I'm 12 and I go on Gurl and I masturbate and I read sexual books :( I feel like an outcast though afterwards… my friends talk about their friends who masturbate and watch porn and stuff and they call them "disgusting" and "very gross" and I just sit back and feel bad. I feel like I'm tainted with poison or something, and if I tell my friends, they might not wanna go near me :(

  14. avatarkatie says:

    like Shayla said, you should do it less and less until you stop. Im a doctor and masturbation isnt as healthy as heather thinks it is, even at your short age. take care of yourself and christians beliefs are not wrong they can make you a better person.

    love,

    katie

    • avatarSara says:

      something tells me you're not really a doctor…

      • avatarRenee says:

        Lol I don't believe you're a doctor either…did you just call her age short? And Christian beliefs seem to make many people judgemental, intolerant, hateful and ignorant as well. For a while my faith in God was shaken by the way that people treat others in his name, and its taken immense time and work to build back the relationship with God that I have now. Any belief or value can make you a better or worse person, kid. Plus, Heather never said her beliefs were wrong. Epic Fail.

  15. avatarKimberly says:

    Hey girl.

    I am nineteen years old, and I am also a Christian. At fourteen, your feelings are natural, but don’t ignore your feelings of shame and guilt.

    I don’t think it is healthy for you to continue to engage in activities that make you feel awful and dirty. This is destructive to your self-esteem and your feelings of self worth. You need to do things that build your self – esteem up, not things that will destroy it.

    A lot of people think of God as some mean ogre, who makes all these rules to make our lives miserable and boring. But the truth is, God gives us commandments because he loves us and he wants to save us from feelings of guilt and regret.

    You have already stated that you want to stop. I am so proud that you made the first step to reach out and ask for help, and that you can be honest and brave enough to admit that you are struggling.

    Engaging in sexual activity might make you feel good for a little while, but what is that good for, if you are always left with feelings of shame and guilt in end?

    True happiness doesn’t fade away. Think about your goals and dreams for your life and put your energy towards those goals. I think a great way for you to stop, is to put your energy and time in more positive and productive things. Your accomplishments and achievements will make you feel strong and happy. Focus on excelling in school, join clubs in your school that interest you. Perhaps, you should even join a Christian club to help build your faith.

    You asked how you can stop engaging in sexual activities. I hope my advice below can help.

    First thing first, quit the cyber sex. Out of everything this is the most destructive to you. Not only is it against your principles as a Christian, it is also against the law. If your cyber sex partners are adults (which they most likely are), they are committing a felony. “Anyone who exposes a minor to any sort of sexuality is considered to be breaking the law. It is illegal to communicate with a minor for immoral purposes. You do not ever have to meet. It is ILLEGAL to have cyber sex with a minor just as if you had real sex with her.”

    Here is the exact law: "Every person who, with knowledge that a person is a minor, knowingly distributes, sends, causes to be sent, exhibits, or offers to distribute or exhibit by electronic mail, the Internet, as defined in Section 17538 of the Business and Professions Code, or a commercial online service, any harmful matter, as defined in Section 313, to a minor with the intent of arousing, appealing to, or gratifying the lust or passions or sexual desires of that person or of a minor, and with the intent, or for the purpose of seducing a minor, is guilty of a public offense and shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison or in a county jail."

    There is a reason why this is illegal; these laws have been put in place to protect young girls like you. According to the law, you would be a victim of a sex crime. And your cyber sex partners would be in jail right now, and would have the title of “sex offender” their entire life.

    Anyone who attempts to corrupt the morals of a minor is breaking the law.

    I suggest you delete your account or lock yourself out of it. If you cannot delete your account, you can lock yourself out of it.

    Get a piece of paper and write random numbers and letters.

    Change your password to what you wrote on the paper.

    After you set your new password, rip the paper into tiny pieces so that you don’t memorize the new password.

    I know it sounds drastic. But you want to stop; the only way that is possible is if you avoid the places where you will find temptation. After a while, you won’t even feel the desire to engage in it anymore.

    Secondly, find books to read that are not sexual explicit. Trust me, there are so many books that you will love that are not sexually vulgar. Go to your school library and find books that you can enjoy. Try books like “A Walk to Remember” by Nicholas Sparks, that’s a really lovely story.

    Third, whenever you feel the urge to masturbate, get up and go for a walk, and think about the woman you want to be. You cannot be happy if you are always feeling guilty. Take a walk outside and seriously ask yourself, is masturbating worth all the guilt and shame you will feel afterwards?

    Lastly the bible says: “Do not give what is holy to dogs; and do not throw your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under foot and turn and maul you.” Matthew 7:6

    What does that mean? You are precious, beautiful, and special. Do not let dogs and pigs use you for their sexual needs. Save your pearls for your husband, who will love and honor you.

    Keep busy with positive things. Join a club, group, or a sport. Put all your energy in good things. And remember: God created you to create beauty in the world. And I know you will do just that.

    • avatarNisha says:

      this helped me so much. im 15 and i feel horrible about masturbating, and heather's advice did not help me one bit! but thank you for ur advice. u made a difference :)

      • avatarKimberly says:

        Your welcome Nisha. That really means the world to me. All I wanted was to reach out to someone and let them know, it is never too late to be the person you want to be and that you can always start again. And I'm so happy I was able to reach you.

        If you ever need someone to talk to or need more advice about anything, you can always visit my blog to reach me.

        - Kimberly

        • avatarDannie says:

          I think the advice you've given here is shocking, frankly.

          THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MASTURABTION. Sex is a beautiful thing, and it's very sad that we live in a society in which sexual feelings, which are entirely natural and pleasurable, have been demonised and made to seem dirty.

          I'm 17, and I totally get where this is coming from – when I was 14 or so I frequently experienced feelings of guilt when I masturbated, and sometimes felt downright disgusted with myself after reading erotic fiction and things like that.

          In time I realised a number of things: firstly, if it doesn't hurt anyone around you, what right do they have to judge it negatively? Secondly, how can something which ignites such feelings of happiness and pleasure be wrong – in the eyes of the Lord, or anyone else for that matter? Lastly, everyone else is doing it. It's only recently that I've started to talk to my friends about masturbating and things like that, but I quickly discovered they're all doing it, and have been for years.

          Now I do it whenever I feel like it, and don't feel guilty about it all.

          Masturbation releases endorphins, and endorphins make you happy and healthy – so knock yourself out and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

          • avatarMadamM says:

            Hun, “everyone else is doing it” is the worst aguement you could use to try and sway peoples opinions (especially religious). Kimberly was trying to help and so are you, I get that. There are many ways of making a strong case though and telling a young girl that because “everyone else is doing it” it makes it ok, is not one of those ways.

    • avatarRenee says:

      I wish this had a like button.

    • avataraja says:

      *claps* VERY well said kimberly <3
      praise God ^^

  16. avatarJackie says:

    At least you're not having sex with multiple partners. You're okay.

  17. avatarShayla says:

    Hey girl,

    Here's what I have to say:

    As a Christian myself, I know what you're going through. But the truth is, is that the Lord doesn't care if you're masturbating. Sexual pleasure is something that everyone can experience, and it's something to should take advantage of. So long as you're not going out and actually having sex outside of marriage, it's completely fine in God's eyes. :] Your sexual dealings are just another part of you. God freely gave these feelings, so obviously they aren't something to feel shameful for taking advantage of.

    On the other hand, if you do want to stop, try cutting back a little slowly. If you do it every day, try every other day for the next 2 weeks, then every 3 days for the next while, then every week, and soon every other week, until you don't do it anymore. :] Cold turkey just results in relapse. Ween yourself off of it. ;]

    Good luck, in whatever decision you make!

    - Shayla

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