what do i do if my sweetie is hurting me during sex?

dear heather,
heyy what will happen if i’m having sex with my boyfriend and he starts speeding up
really fast and wont stop and he is hurting me? what can happen?

Nevermind what can happen (but I’ll get to that in a second)! Why won’t he stop? Is he not listening to you? I’m assuming you asked him, right? Is he hearing impaired? If so, can he not open his eyes to look at your sign language? If he’s not hearing impaired, then he has absolutely NO EXCUSE for hurting you. The fact that he continues to pound you for his selfish pleasure is a HUGE red flag and I’d urge you to think about if he’s really the kind of guy who you should be hooking up with.

I don’t mean to pass judgment, but when you’re in an intimate and vulnerable situation, which sex inherently is, your partner must and ought to immediately listen to any complaints of discomfort. It doesn’t matter if he’s “in the moment” or telling you “it just feels so good.” Nope. Not one bit. While sometimes it’s OK to put up with a little discomfort, this kind of behavior is really ill-spirited and selfish, and not good traits in a partner for the long haul (and I’d even argue for a hookup!).

|Do you think this kind of behavior is rape? You’d be surprised. Read about what rape really is here.|

If he doesn’t stop, he absolutely could damage your vagina by tearing it, bruise your cervix, not to mention make your entire area very swollen, and too-rough-sex can make it hard or painful to pee, make you feel faint, and make you more prone to a yeast infection and UTI. Make sure you pee as soon as you possibly can after rough sex to get any bacteria out of your raw tissue that might make an infection more likely.

|Here’s how to treat UTI’s.|

Now, for the emotional side effects. If you’re not ready for the kind of sex he wants, it could be traumatizing. It’s not OK for a guy to make you feel subordinate and hurt you in these kinds of situations.

You need to communicate with him when you’re not in the bedroom that you would like to take sex slower, and be sure to have lubrication handy. While that won’t take the pain of him hitting your cervix away, it can help with rawness. I’d recommend you gradually work towards the speedy sex he wants, but in general, I think you should take the lead and not let him take advantage of you. And if he doesn’t listen to you? Done-zo. You don’t need a dude like that.

Henry agrees.

take care,
heather

What’s troubling you? Let me help! Send your questions to heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex
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14 Comments

  1. avatarThandolicious says:

    You better leave him gal he is no good for you ey

  2. avatarAnnette says:

    I was finish yeast infection and stop itchy so i was worry about that my husband was scared to has sex with me make me think i can give him infection but i am finish yeast infection so did sex can burn inside me of sex and me and my husband not has sex for two weeks please explain to me

  3. avatarNoDeal22 says:

    I stubbled upon this while googling awake after the fact. In a way im glad to read im not the only one. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years we took a break & gotback together after 3 months. When we got back together I noticed the signs that came with why we seperated before. His eyes are never open when we kiss. His foreplayconsit of placing my hand on his erection while slobing on my neck and then climbs on me and pump away with his eyes closed and he sweats a lot and he breaths heavy. It hurts I cry but he never see it because his eyes are still closed.

  4. avatarlady1 says:

    tell him slow down or stop call him daddy say it hurts take it out

  5. avatarjamii says:

    My bf and I have been together for two years . He has recently been acting so mean towards me and telling me what to wear and to work out more . I love him very much but when we make love he does it so hard I cry every time and I ask him to stop he will , but only for literally seconds . My stomach and vagina will hurt for days and a lot of times bleed . He is my first and only and I’m scared to leave him but he doesn’t listen to me . He says sorry and rubs my back and tummy everytime but its not enough . What should I do?

  6. avatarMILDRED C says:

    HELLO PEOPLE PLEASE HELP ME GRASP WHAT IS GOING ON..:( i have been with my kids father for more TEN YEARS well in the past i have been abused…and also two days ago he abused me…. i broke up with him but he won’t leave me alone…:( and i broke up with him 3years ago just yesterday HE MADE ME COME INTO THE BEDROOM AND HE TOLD ME I GOT SOME BAD NEWS and he closed the door. i went to look out the window and returned back to him face to face HE GRABS MY HAIR AND THEN HE PUSHES ME INTO THE WALL HOLDING MY FACE TO THE WALL AS HE PULLS MY PANTS..i told him i wanted to stop i told him no BUT HE PENETRATED INSIDE ME while he’s holding my face into the wall-HE NEVER STOPPED AND HE WOUDN’T USE A CONDOM after he finished he said U DON’T HAVE A CHOICE and then he left…HE ALSO LOVES TO HIT ME DURING SEX why? PLEASE HELP ME

    • avatarSportygirl09 says:

      From the sounds of it, that does not sound like a healthy relationship/ For the sake of your kids, I think you should get yourself out of that bad situation with him. You should make sure you do what’s best for you and your children. If he wont leave you alone then maybe you should go to the police. You should always make sure your children are safe, and if he’s abused you (more than once) then i dont think he’s a good person to be around. I dont think it is normal for him to hit you during sex, not at all. I would maybe tell of your good girlfriends about it and see what she thinks you should do. But with the situation you just described, i think you need to get a restraining order or something to protect you AND your children. Hope everything turns out for the best.

    • avatarAngel says:

      Contacting the authorities, and/or moving to where he cant get to you. are two possibilities.

  7. avatarkayla says:

    My friend had sex with her boyfriend for the first time and felt scared so even though she said it was ok for him to finnish, he stopped and told her they didn’t have to do that again if she didn’t want to do it too. I think he was showing that he loves and respects her, just because you have had sex once doesnt mean you ever have to do it again … if he beats you and makes you do things you don’t want to that means he is scum and doesnt deserve to even look at you

  8. avatarsade says:

    I need some advice fast.Im dating this boy and everything is going fine except one thing he has a really violent temper. He constantly hits me and when he really mad me he will force me to have sex. He makes feel so on top of the world when he not mad but when he is he makes me feel so less of a person. This is not the first time he hit me and force me to have sex with him.

    • avatarfunkeechikn says:

      Dump him! It may be hard, but if he is hitting you and raping you, you need to tell a parent, counselor, or law enforcement official ASAP. Not only is his behavior unhealthy for a relationship, but very illegal. He could seriously hurt you one of these days, and you dont deserve that.

      When you go to break up with him, I would do it over the phone or in a public place, or bring a male freind or family member so he wont lose his temper and hit you again. Make sure that he KNOWS its over, dont be wishy-washy orPlease do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy! Tell the police! Contact a womens clinic for support and advice.

      Try to remember all of the times he has insulted you, raped, or hit you so that it will be easier to report him. Be strong- you deserve a man who respects you and loves you.

    • avatarTalkativeAngel1 says:

      No man has the right to do this to a girl ! Hey Listen no matter how much you love him you gotta let him go for your own good,It's not right that he rapes you and hits you and if I have to say this a 1000 times I will."SOMEONE WHO TRULY LOVES YOU WOULDN'T TREAT YOU LIKE THIS,THEY WOULD TREAT YOU WITH THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE".There are better men out there I know It's hard to find them,but you can't be with someone like this.

      My advice to you is,just get rid of him,you can find someone better that will treat you with respect.

      Good Luck gURL.

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