I Cheated On My LDR Sweetie…Am I No Longer In Love?

Cheating Isn't Fun For Anyone

Dear Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 1/2 months now. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved back to France. At first, I thought that I would never want anyone else, and only want him for the rest of my life. Yet recently, I met another guy who goes to school with me, that I really like. I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with the guy and my boyfriend has yet to know. For some reason I don’t feel bad about. It was almost therapeutic.I don’t want to tell him because I know that he would be heartbroken and hate me forever. In 4 weeks I’m going up to France to spend a month with him and his family. I just feel less for him each day, is it just the distance or am I no longer in love with him anymore? And should I tell him what I’ve been up to?

Long distance relationships, especially when you haven’t been together for a period of time before the distance sets in, are hard. Relationships themselves are hard without the distance, so in your case, you need a whole lot more than love to make this work. I don’t know where you live, but France is pretty far away from most other places that aren’t France, so I’m assuming that it’s not very easy or cheap for you to see each other. So wow, this situation’s pretty difficult.

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I can see why hooking up with this other dude was therapeutic. When you are in an LDR, you are deprived in a way; you don’t get attention, TLC, and face-to-face time with the person you love, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want it. Some gURLs and guys are better at stifling those feelings better than others but I think we all have our breaking points and you had yours. After all, webcams and phones can only do so much and last for so long before they just stop working.

But what seems to be the case for you in particular (I’m not generalizing for every gURL out there) is that good ol’ phrase “out of sight, out of mind.” That is to say that without having someone in front of you or around you, your brain tends to move on. As humans, it’s a lot easier for us to attach (e.g. “I want to be with him forever!”) than detach, but detachment happens and it happens over time and it may not be intentional. It just happens. So, to answer “is it the distance or am I just not in love anymore?” — to the first part, yes, it’s the distance. As to the second part, I’m not one who can answer if you are still in love, only you can figure that out.

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I have a feeling that if you go on this trip, you will probably have a great time with him. However, there are two things you need to consider:

1. Will you feel guilty when you see him?

2. What about when the trip is over? How you are going to have a sustainable relationship that you can both feel good about? Will one of you move closer to the other?

If you have a healthy solution that is good for the both of you, then you can try to make it work. But I think that you shouldn’t go on the trip. For him. For you. For love.

take care,
heather

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Posted in: Cheating, Dating, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Sex, Sex
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  • Terra

    So many questions. How long did you guys know each other before you began to date? Furthermore, I believe that at the beginning of every LDR or potential LDR, you both must first collectively decide: Who will move for who? Better yet: Are either of "us" willing and/or able to move within a certain amount of time (whatever amount you decide)? It's easy to get caught up in the emotions of any relationship, but it's crucial to discuss the logistics of a LDR ASAP. I believe that setting a goal for an LDR will help to keep it intact and alive. In this sense, perhaps by default, many LDR are more serious & require more commitment (dedication?) from the get go than other types of relationships. Which leads me to explain my first question. It's quite essential to know your long distance partner fairly well before you decide to make said commitment. It is difficult to experience your partner the same way you would in real life. Difficult, not impossible. So that leads us to this predicament. It seems as if whatever glue you needed to solidify the commitment early on has gone amiss. Or was never truly present. If it's not there, then don't force it. If you don't feel guilty, then brush your shoulders off and move on. Do not be afraid to let yourself be young and enjoy the romances around you. Unless you are certain he is the one (which it doesn't seem so in any way), then don't settle. Tell him of your changing heart. Do avoid going on the trip. Distance is a moody character. Being around someone too often or too little can yield similar results.

  • eileen

    it the distance same thing happen with me and my ex he moved and i went depressed then less and less love went with the months. same thing with my boyfriend now he live in indaina, i live in texas but we talk every night

    • katie

      the same thing sorta happened with me. me and my ex were dating he lived in Jersey and me in Vermont it was a big distance and when we broke up i would miss him like crazy and then we got back to together 3 times and then the last time we started going out before his birthday and the next day we talked on the phone for about 2-5 mins before his mom called and he hung up and he has ignored me ever since. But i found someone else and its still long distance but he's only less than 2 hours away.