ask lena: he kept pressuring me for sex…

declan pressured holly j for sex and it wasn't cool.

dear lena,
i recently stopped seeing a guy because he kept pressing me for sex. i’m no virgin or anything, but i guess i’ve had enough meaningless sex and i wanted sex with him to maybe mean something. is that unacceptable anymore? he claimed that he “just had a high sex drive” and that he couldn’t stand it when “people make sex a big deal.” are those red flags for guys? sex isn’t a big deal with me, i just didn’t want to have sex with him yet. thoughts? (ps: i told him we should see other people.)

It’s not cool to pressure someone into doing something that they don’t want to do. Ever. I disagree with abstinence advocates, but I’m not going to tell them that they should just get with the program and lose their virginity. If I were the guy in your situation, I might tell you that I don’t consider sex to be a relationship turning point and list the reasons why I think you’re wrong, but I’m not going to guilt-trip you into sleeping with me.

There’s a difference between voicing a disagreement with someone else’s beliefs versus claiming to disagree but not even engaging with the argument.  “People make sex a big deal” is not actually engaging with the argument but is a passive-aggressive way of making an ad hominem criticism. And “I just have a high sex drive” is a pretty blatant expression of self-interest (especially if you’re already hooking up short of intercourse).

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What if I were the dude and tried to reason with you? And after expounding on the evils of dating “rules” and the virginity ideal, it turned out that you still disagreed with me? Then I guess we’d probably have to part ways, but at least I respected you enough as a human being to not expect you to blindly go along with any of my whims on command.

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I’m guessing that your suggestion to him to see other people had less to do with your divergent opinions about sex than it does with his alarming lack of consideration for your beliefs and your intelligence. People change their beliefs all the time when they’re presented with new evidence or logical counter-arguments, but people don’t magically acquire patience, respect, or empathy. It kind of sounds like he’s lacking in all of the above.


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Posted in: Ask an Expert, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up, Virginity
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  • Shana

    hi umm ive never wanted to cuss, have sex or anything like that and im 13. People just make me mad when they think im wierd cuz im all about jesus i dont wanna hurt peoples feelings but sex is pretty wrong wen ur a kid or teen if this affends anyone im sorry! am i a typical teen or am i not normal?(and yes i know i spelled sum things wrong but thats ok)