ask Tegan & Sara: my mom’s super religious and won’t accept that i’m pansexual.

the twinsies tell you everything you want to know.Tegan & Sara are back! Yay! You asked, they’re answering! They’ve been taking your advice questions via Facebook, Twitter, and on this blog, of course. And today, Tegan takes a look at pansexuality (which she had to wiki!).

Here’s DeeDra’s situation:

I am currently dating a girl who is gay and my mother hated her since she first met her about 2 years ago. When I started having feelings for her I tried to ignore it because I’m Christian, just like the rest of my family and it’s not accepted. My mother thinks that I’m gay and that my girlfriend “turned me out” but truth is I’ve always felt this way since I was about 6. We always argue about her and she never lets me see her, and when she found out that we were sexually involved it made her hate her more. I tried to explain Pansexuality to her without exactly saying that I was Pansexual. We ended up arguing and I left home for almost an hour. Eventually she picked me up and I was back home. I’ve wanted to come out and tell her that I am Pansexual but I’m afraid of what she will say or if she’ll even support me. I’ve come out to pretty much everyone except her. How can I tell her and clear up this mess without it turning into a brawl?

Hey Deedra!

I think for the majority of people coming out is a tough experience. For a lot of us our parents just want us to be happy and safe and so initially it’s hard for them to hear that we are gay because they worry about our happiness and safety. The world is an ever changing place but ultimately there are still people in this world, in our country, that don’t accept gay people. Obviously when religion comes into it it gets even more intense and dramatic.

I can’t speak to that as my family is not religious but they were a bit intense and freaked out when I came out and soon got over it. You are your mother’s daughter. She loves you and perhaps needs to be reminded that you she made you and that she should accept and love you for who you are. Her not accepting your sexuality is like her not accepting your hair color or your height. Perhaps try writing her a letter about how you have felt this way your whole life and that you love her and accept who she is and wish more than anything that she could do the same.

I had to look up pansexuality! Ha. I’m getting old. I hadn’t heard that before. But I think that you should follow your heart. Love is blind. But while you live under your parents’ roof you do have to contend with their rules.

I would tell you that you might have a few years of having to accept that your parents have a say over who you see and how you behave in this world. But it gets better because soon you will be on your own and can date whomever you please. Good luck until then. I wish I had more to offer in terms of advice but I think that you just have to be patient with your mom.


Are your friends or family non-accepting of your sexuality? Have you confronted them, peacefully? Or was it an all out brawl? Tell us how it went in the comments below.

Tegan and Sara will be back tomorrow with more answers to more questions! Want yours answered? Leave a question in the comments here!

and P.S. don’t forget to catch up on all of Tegan and Sara’s hits on The Complete Recollection available on iTunes.


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Posted in: Ask an Expert, Health, Sex & Relationships, Relationships
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  • Jeniferr

    Dear, Sara & Tegan!

    This is a problem that’s been irking me for a while now. I am a HUGE supporter of the LGBT community and even though I myself am not gay, it still really offends me when people use the word “gay” or any words like that as an insult. It’s so ignorant. Everyone does it, and I want to punch all of them in the kneecaps. I hear it all the time in all my classes & even my best friends do it even though they know I think it’s offensive. It really harshes my mellow, Teeg & Sasa. What is a good way to tell people to cool it with the offensive & ignorant behavior without being rude?

    P.S. My mom LOVES "On Directing" and even told me she sings it out loud at work. It’s so hilarious to hear her sing it because she has a very thick Hispanic accent. I just thought I'd throw that in because it cracks me up.

    Love always, one of your biggest fans, Jeniferr.