lena’s advice: i’ve never had a boyfriend, what’s wrong with me?

don't let boys determine your value!

Dear Lena,

I have never had a boyfriend before, and I have never had a guy come up and ask me out. Whenever I go out with my friends, they always talk to my friend, because she looks better. I don’t understand. I have a nice personality, and I am a nice person to talk to. My other friend is beautiful and nice (sometimes). Don’t get me wrong, but she can be mean and say he is ugly to his face.
Also, sometime ago I asked this guy out he didn’t even give me a chance, he ended up going with someone else… I have cried about it, because I was angry with myself for going up to him. Now, I am emotionally scarred from this… I made a promise to myself to never ask a guy out again…I think something is wrong with me. What can I do to boost my self-esteem and look more confident?  What is wrong with me?

Lena’s answer: It’s never a good idea to decide that something is “wrong” with you, based on a comparison to other people. Just because one situation didn’t work out doesn’t mean that you’re going to be rejected by everyone who comes after him.

When it comes to love, different people respond differently; you’re still growing and changing into a woman, and all kinds of factors — compatibility, timing, etc. — come into play. That’s why you shouldn’t feel threatened by your friend or think of dating as a competition. And if you think about it, it’s also not very nice for her to be noticed for her appearance alone. (No wonder she talks back to the guys who hit on her!)

You should realize that even if she gets a lot of attention, a good partner wouldn’t make their dating decisions based on looks alone, nor do guys all have the same taste. If you want to boost your confidence, why not try joining a new club or volunteering with a youth group? Putting yourself in situations with new people is a great way to get used to the idea of talking to strangers.

And remember that there’s nothing wrong with being single! Far too often, gURLs measure their self-worth according to the romantic and sexual attention they get from guys. But relationships are a lot of work, and if you’re going to get into one, it should be because you really like the other person, not because you feel like you “should” have a boyfriend. That sort of mindset wouldn’t be fair for the guy or for you, because after all, you have enough going for yourself that you don’t need a dude for validation!


P.S. Ask me anything! Email me at askanexpert@gurl.com!

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