am i ready to have sex with him?

dear heather,
I really like this guy. We were friends for two years then went out for two months but now we are just friends again. I’m only 13 and he is 14, but I like him a lot. He has had sex three times already, and we’ve talked about having sex but I don’t know if I’m ready or if my body is ready. Should I wait? How do I know if I am ready?

If you’re wondering whether you’re ready to have sex with him, then you aren’t. It’s as easy as that. If you knew you were ready, you wouldn’t waste your time asking me because you wouldn’t care — and because you would just kinda know.

Do you really want to lose your virginity to a guy you once dated but are now “just friends” with? Wouldn’t you rather lose it to a guy who you’re head-over-heels for, and who’s head-over-heels for you? At 13, you’re young and you have a lot of living and loving ahead of you. Don’t jump into bed with the first guy who wants to have sex with you just because you can.

I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you whether you’re body’s ready for sex or not, but I can tell you for certain that you aren’t ready on an emotional level.

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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  • natalia

    I agree with some of the views above. When you start your periods, thats when nature has deemed that you are ready to have sex and bear children.
    As girls we have a lot of anxiety around this issue because our society has put a moral tag on NOT losing ones virginity. There is an emphasis on delaying your sexual debut for as long as possible.
    Little do people realise that humans CANNOT control natural desires. Sexual urges and sexual needs are normal and natural and there should be no moral value added to it.
    Guys somehow dont have this feeling of guilt or anxiety with their sexual exploits. But for us girls we are primed to believe that by having sex, somehow it is evil, amoral and that we must maintain “purity” till we are married.
    Don’t you think there is something fundamentally flawed with this advice?

    Yes, pregnancy and STDs are a definite issue. Pregnancy more of an inconvenience when it comes to studies, education, school grades etc.

    Those may be good reasons why one might be emcouraged to postpone sex. But if you can handle the emotional aspects of sexual relationships and can understand and take precautions against other consequences ie STDs and pregnancy then I think you are ready no matter what age you are.

    No one should make your mind up for you other than yourself.

    I lost my virginity at 12. I was discreet about it and my boyfriend was a lot older so he was sensible about all those issues I mentioned about. We had the privacy of his place so no one found out.

  • hannah

    This is so NOT true. Just because you ask that question ” am I ready to have sex” doesnt mean you are not ready. What a load of baloney. That question you will ask of yourself al the time whether it is your first time and with every new partner. As girls we are built that way. We will always have that concern in our mind and you will see that even the most ‘seasoned” girl will ask that question in her mind even though she appears confident of doing it.
    Please dont listen to this garbage that if you ask yourself that question, you are somehow NOT ready. There is no scientific way of knowing if you are ready or not. To me nature has designed us to have sex when we start our periods. Now all kinds of other explanations will be given about emotional and mental maturity, and there will be so much of free advice to delay things as long as you can because many girls regret doing it. Do you know why girls regret doing it?? It is because they are made to feel guilty and that is so bad to have to feel guilty doing something so normal as sex.
    What is the most important thing here is to be careful and avoid becoming pregnant or being infected with a STD. Now there are strong emotions associated with sex and a kind of dependancy on the one youve had sex with. Mostly those emotional aspects are the cause of issues and confusion and regret etc etc.
    If you understand the complications and consequences and are sure you can handle them then go for it. Sex is awesome and a fantastic feeling. Age shouldnt matter. Just make sure the guy is not a jerk. It should be fun.
    Every girl is different and each one is ready differently. I was ready when I was 11. I was always around older guys because many were my brothers friends from University. I was really flirty with Matt who I liked very much. He kept saying he could get into a lot of trouble but I said I wouldnt tell anyone. I ended up losing my virginity to him. It was an awesome experience.

  • Marie

    i really want to have sex with my boyfriend but we haven’t even kissed yet it’s so nerve -racking

  • purple venom

    you should not have because you asked if you should and have you asked your parents about sex and this boy about condoms and stuff like that and have you asked him if he is telling the truth about have sex 3 times?

  • Yoou Arent Ready To Have Sex Else Yoou Would Have Done It By Now!!

    I Would Jut Wait Till yoou Meet the Right Guy That Loves Yoou For Who Yoou Are Not Just For sex!!

    Just Us a Comdom Or Go On The Pill x

  • Audrey

    My question is, what is up with all the kids who insist on having serious relationships and engaging in sexual contact at 13, 14 years old? At that age, you're just children. When I was thirteen, I was worried about who my first kiss would be, not who my first time would be. I understand that it's natural to start wondering about sex at that age, but wondering about it is a far cry from actually DOING it. You're young, you have a lot of things to look forward to other than having sex. At that age, the focus should be on friends, school, sports, your future. Not boys and sex. I don't expect people to wait for marriage, but you should at least wait until you reach the age of consent to start having sex. The age of consent exists for a reason. Besides, if you have to question such a big decision, is it really a good idea in the first place?

    • Emma

      I know right I’m 13 and i haven’t even kissed anyone yet… But most of the girls i know are 13/14 and already had sex… Iam not relious at all but I want my first time to be with the man I am going to marry…

  • Okay,

    I'm 13 and I know that I'm hella not ready for sex and wont be until I find a guy that loves me for me, not just because I "really like him" or because "he's had sex 3 times already."

    You shouldn't just get in on with this guy because you can, he's probably just using you for your body anyway, I mean you only dated for 2 months and he wants to have sex?


  • THis sounds exactly like my friend's prob. YOu see the other day she said that she was ready to have sex with her boyfriend. I tryed really hard to change her mind because i think its crazy if u were friends for a while but all of a sudden want to be gf and bf. i was thinking….

    *Does he like you or you body?

    *Have you talked to an adult?

    *What if something bad happens?

    *what if you get pregant?

    However as i was talking to her, she didnt say what i wanted to hear and made very worried about her. She said she was gonne just touch his penis, and i don't mind, its a good way to explore. But i think they(in the story and my friends) need to slow down because i don't want their hearts to got broken because of sex.

    • NoraMae

      yeah i dont get why us girls think they way we do but im not gonna be presured to do things i dont want to….

    • anonymous

      I'm thirteen. 14 in a few days, I just had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. I told him to stop midway…. It just didn't feel right. He didn't get mad and neither did I and we layed down and talked about how I felt and how he felt. There were no hard feelings and after that talk and seeing how he didn't mind that I wasn't ready. I'm sure that I trust him enough to let it happen next time. He treats me amazingly and I know he has a good track record. Everyone I know approves and I love his family <3 I just know it's right.