ask lena: am I too young to have sex?

kelly's cherry popped at 13 -- but is it right for this gURL?

Hey Lena, I so badly want to have sex. I’m 13, and i go to porn sites to get myself turned on. I’m popular, but no one will have sex, am I too young?  Please help!

Lena’s advice: Instead of asking yourself, “Am I too young to have sex?”, why not try asking, “Am I too young to handle all the responsibilities that come along with sex?” Your body may be ready to get it on, but you might not be ready for everything that might lead to. We can take a lot of precautions, but since birth control can be hard for young teens to obtain and easy to forget to use, STIs and pregnancy are risks you have to be able to deal with. At 13, you can’t even drive yourself to the gyno; let’s not even talk about popping out babies. It might be smart to wait a few years until you’re old enough to handle making serious decisions about your reproductive health.

In the meantime, it sounds like you’re developing a healthy sex drive, and that’s totally normal when you’re going through puberty. Being curious, masturbating, and thinking more about sex are all part of growing up. You can satisfy a lot of desires that way, without having sex before you’re ready to deal with the potential consequences.

And, having sex will not affect your popularity level, nor will your popularity level determine your sexual conduct. You should decide for yourself, not peer pressure, when is right for you.

Love,
Lena

Ask me anything! Email me at askanexpert@gurl.com!

P.S. Check out when celebs lost their virginity!

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Posted in: Ask an Expert, Health, Sex & Relationships, Virginity
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  • jim

    your way too young, dont get in a big hurry you have plenty of time

    • zelle

      It may seem that she is very young. You are basing that opinion on her age. But she seems a mature 14 yr old who is very articulate and can express herself very well. I tend to think she has maturity too.
      I think we have to get away from this ancient thought process and decide ones readiness for sex based on age. Girls are far more informed, physically developed, emotionally sound and decisive about what they want and will go out to get.
      Our emphasis hence MUST be on making sure they are having safe sex NOT whe they are having sex. Precautions and protection MUST be emphasized or else we will have a much bigger and more serious problem on hand.
      If she has decided to have a relationship and she is happy then there is no harm in her pursuing that relationship.

  • earlybird

    I was 14 and very naïve and innocent. I had gone to my grandma’s place because she had had surgery. I used to see this guy in the village shops. He was gorgeous with a cute smile and adorable eyes. I used to try and find every excuse to bump into him. We got chattin. One day he took me to his place. His folks were away for 2 weeks and he was in this big place all alone. I loved the attention he gave me. He started kissin me, touchin and fondling me. I was very nervous. This was the first time I had ever kissed any guy. I was freaking out when he fingered me and then lifted my skirt and started kissing me down there and sticking his tongue in me. It felt good but I was so stunned and didn’t know what to do. The room had a huge mirror. He took my top off and told me how cute I was an how he wanted to f*** me the moment he saw me at the shops. He got me completely naked and made me sit on his lap in front of the mirror and asked me if I knew how to masturbate. Of course I said no. I didn’t want to tell him that I had started doing that recently, since having a crush on him. He then went on to teach me how to do it. I got really red in the face but it felt so good. I kept holding his hand guiding to push his fingers inside me. He then made me lie on the bed and opened my legs and started licking my clit and sticking his tongue inside me. He commented how at my age how cute my p***y looked He kept doing that for a while and I started trembling. He told me not to freak out. I wasn’t freaking out. The feeling was just so intense and so good. Suddenly he said..you have your period, you are safe!! He undressed and took out his erect penis and all I could think of was that he had the cutest butt. I could see him in the mirror. He had his back to the mirror and I couldn’t help perving on his butt :P. He kept rubbing himself and he got so hard. I had never seen an erect penis before and now I realized what was going to happen. I kept wondering how he waSs going to get that into me. To me, the first timer, it seemed so huge. He said he was going to f*** me, something that he very badly wanted to do for a while. He told me he used to jerk off thinking of me and that he was so desperate to f*** me. Though very flattered, I panicked when he said that. He told me to keep my legs open and to let him f*** me. He kept making me rub my clit and he started forcing his penis into me. I don’t remember it ever hurting. It just felt so good. I just wanted him to keep pushing it in harder. I don’t think he used a condom. He said he wanted to feel himself inside me. I just hoped he wouldn’t stop. It seemed like forever. It felt so good and he made me orgasm so many times. He just kept doing it. It seemed to go on for a lifetime. LOL. But it was so so very good. He kept saying how he enjoyed how wet I was getting. He held my hips and just kept thrusting in and out. I didn’t know how to respond when I was having an orgasm. I kept breathing hard and I was shaking. He thn pulled out and made me go on my hands and knees and took me doggy style. I thought he was going to stop when he pulled out. I had blood from my periods and I could see his penis so messy with my cum and blood. He continued to keep doing it and then suddenly he started going faster and harder and he kept saying he was about to cum. We spooned and cuddled after that. We chatted a lot and he told me about his previous girlfriends. I think he was quite popular with the girls. Three of his recent girl friends were still at the local girls school. I chatted to one of them at the shops but she was in a hurry to rush back to school. We did it again twice that morning. He asked me to come back again the next day and for the next 2 weeks I kept going back to his place. My gran couldn’t work out where I kept going to. I said I had made some new friends. We kept in touch after that when I returned home. But suddenly the texts stopped after a few months. I went back to my gran’s place many months later hoping to find Matt my soul mate who I lost my virginity to. I was shocked to hear that while at University he died in a car crash. I was so sad. I hated life. I sobbed for a long long while. I still miss him. He was the most beautiful guy, so funny, lively, caring and gorgeous in every way. 🙁 Our relationship was very very special. I have had 2 boyfriends since but it has never been the same 🙁

    • Chelsea

      OMG did he die?? That must have been so terrible. How long ago was that? OMG he must have been so young. Thats so sad. I am so sorry for you. I hate when things like that happen to people. 🙁

  • hermielle

    do it when your boyfriend agrees,whenever that is.if no one wants to have sex with you,then just don’t do it yet

  • amelia

    I know we girls keep asking this question all the time. Really there is no right age to have sex. Some do it early, some do it later. The question you have to ask yourself is not if you are too young, but a) are you doing it because you want to do it or because someone is forcing you to do it b) do I know the consequences ie pregnancy, STD etc c) What precautions do I need to take d) Will it affect me emotionally or my schooling e) will I be able to take care of the consequences if there are issues.
    Really, its not for anyone else but you alone to make that decision.I lost my virginity a week before my 13th to my friend’s brother who is a lot older but a real nice guy. It was such a beautiful experience that I will never forget. I knew I wanted to do it and nothing would stop me. We continued doing it for a year very secretely, but we knew this couldnt go on forever only because society wouldn’t accept what we were doing. I wish society could have been more liberal.
    In my mind and heart I had all those questions answered and I knew I was going to do it. I didnt have any problems, my grades in school are still very good and I am not prego. My folks still do not know about what happened for that year.

    • Taylor

      I’m a 13 year old guy who hasn’t had sex yet and I wonder why you say that when there’s so many girls who think sex is gross. I see everyone on this forum saying things but not one girl i’ve met in real life has said they want to. I’m a very nice girl and I support girls but the only girls I could find that wanna have sex are like far away from were I live. People like you and everyone else make society how it is. Everyone on here bragging about when they had sex and stuff. Funny thing is everyone of you said it was amazing even though you felt pain your first time. Explain it to me are girls hiding things or am I just having bad luck with finding some in real life?

  • holly

    what is all this fuss about. Why make this such a moral issue. There is nothing wrong about something so normal. Humans are the only species that have a restriction on age and when sex can happen. I lost my virginity at 13, well almost. The guy was more than twice my age. I was with him 2 years and it was the most awesome experience. I agree he was older so we didnt tell anyone because we knew what would happen. The authorities would try and brainwash me to believe I was taken advantage of and stupid stuff like that. He was very responsible and looked after me very well. He made sure I didnt get pregnant, didnt give me any STDs and there were no drugs or alcohol involved. I used to go to his place a lot. I agree I was nervous my first time but it was the most awesome, unforgettable, fulfilling experience. I came to no harm. Who gives a damn about emotional maturity. Why is there such a fuss about being mature. Wanting sex is a normal natural desire and there should be no moral values put to it. This is the good thing about having an older mature guy for a relationship. At least they look after you and take responsibility.. well at least in my case.

    • Taylor

      So the guy was 26…Thats kinda sad when your 13. Just saying please think before you do things.

      • Janelle

        Why is it sad Taylor? she has no probs with it and doesnt need your pity. She chose to do it and she has no regrets. So whats so SAD about it I dont know. Did you read her whole comment or did you just go by her age? Plz dont bring in religion or morals or what the law is. Sex will happen irrespective of this, when the individual wants to engage in sex. Get used to that idea. Some choose not to do it. But thats a choice and no one condemns them for their decision.

    • Ella

      Sex before marriage is a SIN

  • jj

    All you people need to take chill pills. Those for it and against it. I lost mine at 10. Game of truth or dare where there was two girls and me. While we were just children I was never sheltered from it by my parents. I knew sex, and how to do it safely. You tell a kid not to do something and they will do it. You show them the consequences and let them decide for themselves and they may not. You show them how to do it safer and they may listen. Guess what… We stole a condom from my dad. It was kinda pointless because I was shooting blanks but still. Im 23 now, still child and std free. Kids will be kids and they are going to play. Look at the way our children are growing up, its quite frankly scary as all hell. Lets take it back a few years. Education! rolemodels! Disipline! Be children and play a game. Be parents and teach your kids.

  • Mia

    Have sex when you are ready to take care of a baby

  • Gigi Deveraux

    My (much older) cousin stole my V-card when I was 12… and even though the orgasm was amazing, I still wish I could have made that decision on my own. 12, 13, 14, that’s just WAY too young. A girl’s body isn’t done growing, and sex can actually cause more harm than just pregnancy.

  • Terra

    I lost my virginity at age 11. It was my fault though. I watched porn since I was like six and started to finger myself at 7. At age ten I looked 16 since my breast had started growing earlier in my life. The guy was20 and it felt amazing. I’m 14 now and have had sex with over half of the guys im my grade. I enjoy sex and that’s all I know

    • tyler

      hey whats up girl

  • Georgia

    this is my op but u know………………………………………………..when life throws you lemons make lemonade,, or in this case when life throws you condoms make love to the music ,were on a role !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Dino

    I lost my virginity at 14 with my then boyfriend who was also 14 and what I can tell you is that there will always be a small amount of "want" for the person you lost it to but it's not a desicion I regret that boy is now my bestfriend in the entire world an even tho we have both moved on go other people we don't feel awkward around eachother

    But sex is still a major responsibility despite your age if you feel like if people found out about it you would feel ashamed or dirty it is definently not the right time for you to do anything sexual with another person

  • I am 13 years old and i havent had sex,i wouldnt mind having sex at this age but i would only have sex with

    the person i loved and trusted.

    The Only Thing Is i wouldnt Want My Mum To Find Out.

  • Lill

    I'm sorry, but am I crazy? Who would even ask this!? Of course 13 is too young, and what..someone else lost it at 14 to their 14 year old boyfriend? Um…sorry, but if you can't drive, then you definately shouldn't be getting laid. I'm tired of all these teenagers (and preteens..13 and 14 included) thinking they can act like adults when they're barely out of elementary school. Get some perspective, people. Sex is for grown-ups, and your brain is not developmentally ready to handle the emotional baggage of having sex when you're 13 or 14. Celebrities also do loads of drugs, get plastic surgery all the time, and are trapped in a horrible little world of cameras and fame. I wouldn't look to them for sex advice.

    • Eva

      that's a bit close minded don't you think? there are certain people that are more mature than others. i know certain 25 year olds that def. wouldn't be able to handle the responsibilities of sex and I know certain 10 year olds that I feel like are perfectly capable of doing (not saying that they are having sex or anything). Age is just a number, it really doesn't reflect your ability to have sex. [speaking of which, I lost mine when I was 15 to a boy, but 13 to my fingers]

    • MissAndia

      omg, what is wrong with kids today?!?!

    • cutiekitty

      Sex is NOT just for grown ups.
      Let me ask you.. when did you start your periods? well.. why do you think you started your periods then? when you answer those questions you will understand how absurd you sound and how immature your statements are.
      And, why do you need a brain to have sex?? LOL.
      Some comments on here are so amusing!!

  • Liliana

    Just respect yourself and don´t have sex with the first guy that crosses your path. Be in a steady relationship, trust your partner and have a good time. And be safe. Sex isn´t something that you should feel bad about.

    As you can see, it isn´t an age matter but a maturity matter. That´s why I think that if you wonder if you are too young to be having sex, the answer is most likely yes.

    But I know plenty of people who lost their virginities at that age and they have no regrets. It really is up to you

    • cutiekitty

      mmmmm.. Liliana, having sex does NOT mean you are disrespecting yourself. Sorry you are msguided.
      You are roght when you say that sex isnt something one should feel bad about.
      Hence sex and self respect are seperate things. I dont think it is wise to associate the two together!!

  • I lost my virginity when I was 12 .

    I didn't feel bad about it,I didn't like the guy any more than I did before,it didn't change anything,and you don't have to be "emotionaly ready" as some adults say you do.It's just body parts.

    Other than the fact that there's a chance you could get pregnant if you don't use any type of protection,I don't see what the deal is..unless you're an unstable person.

    • Janelle

      I fully agree. This crap about emotional maturity is just overplayed. Why should you need emotional maturity to engage in sex? and can you tell me when does emotional maturity set in? I can point out many older women and men who are emotional failures and yet they are allowed to have sex? whoa, come on people, there are better excuses and reasons.
      Sex is fun, pleasurable , enjoyable and yes of course when there is an emotional involvement it is great but certainly NOT a necessity

      • Ella

        Sex is supposed to happen when two people love eachother, 13-15 YEARS AREN’T CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT LOVE, want the facts you’ll find them, you can’t deny the truth. Do you actually think 13 year olds should be having sex for fun! Hell no!

        • SINEAD

          hmmmm…and what is LOVE Ella, how do you define love?
          Sex happens in a relationship, sex is a business, sex can be recreational.
          At 13, ofcourse they dont know about love. But there is a mutual atttraction, crush, infatuation, need for closeness and intimacy for unknown reasons and all those emotions that may lead up to girls at 13 wanting to have sex.
          I dont think there is anything wrong with that. Just because they are not experienced and dont know “love” does NOT mean they must not have sex. Sex is not just confined to a relationship involving love. That may be ideal but we dont live in an ideal world and the reason for those girls seeking sexual relationships may be because they dont have the closeness they long for.
          So plz try and understand the background for this behaviour. There is nothing wrong as such, provided they have hit puberty.

          Your statement is the most immature thing to be said and it is a reflection of how your mind has been led to believe that this is somehow wrong. That is called brainwashing. If you dont want to have sex at 13 then fine but you cannot judge others by what you think is right.

          I would urge you to come out and describe what love is. I bet there will be such a diverse range of definitions. Everyone sees love differently.

  • michelle

    i lost my virginity wen i was 14 and my boyfriend was 16. i think as long as you talk about it with your boyfriend and are aware of the concequences then go for it. but ask yourself if your parents found out what would happen?

    • Ella

      Unless your parents are badly brought up hicks, I don’t think ANY PARENT WOULD ALLOW THEIR F-CKING 13 YEAR OLD TO HAVE SEX.

      • honeybee

        Oh Ella, which planet are you from?? LOL. Love, parents permission, parents badly brought up hicks….wow ! you really havent got the slightest clue about love and sex. You are naive and brainwashed. You probably still read fairy tales and believe in all that hogwash.
        Our lives, our sexuality, our emotions and the need to be close and intimate are all governed by a natural process in biology called PHYSIOLOGY. You may be able to stifle those desires by religion, talking about morals, by parents threatening, by the law that is made by society and all those artificial things. The reality is that NATURE defies man made laws and imperatives.
        Individuals will find the need for closeness which includes intimacy and sex if they dont find it at home and in the security of family ties. There are countless 13 yr olds who are engaging in some form of sex but that goes unnoticed because they dont tell anyone. The penalties are harsh. The cause for wich the person has sex is forgotten. Often it is the parents fault in that they are quarreling or getting a divorce and the child is neglected.
        In that situation shouldnt the law be directed against the parents who have been the cause of the early exprimentaton of the child? Why do we forget this aspect so conveniently and use a bandaid strategy to deal with that problem.
        Society is screwed. To me if someone wants to have sex so be it. It is no ones businedd but the person engaging in that activity.
        All they need to know is to take precautions against pregnancy and STDs. Who they have sex with is their business. NOT the law.

        • Jay

          I have no doubt that honeybee and a few other folks posting are older men. These are things those type of men say because they are looking for permission to abuse young women and girls.

          • Elizabeth

            Thirteen,fourteen, fifteen year olds having sex? Oh no! What is this world coming to? That is crazy!!!!! You should at least be in love with the person and be able to drive.

          • cutiekitty

            Oh really Jay? So you dont think there is any truth in what honey bee is saying?
            You see this is the way people sweep things under the carpet. The fact is that there are thousands of 13 yr old girls engaging is sex all the time.
            We are being ignorant by believing that this is not an issue.
            It is very important we have some insight into this and understand why this is happening rather than blaming it on some imaginary negative belief like the one you propose.
            Dont you think family dynamics play a part in what is happening today?
            At least “honeybee” has made an intelligent argument and is trying to find the real cause for why this is all happening.
            Why are you being so derogatory about her comments? That is not productive in the least bit.
            This is a discussion and those discussions must not be made a personal attack. Plz show some maturity when you discuss or give your opinion.

  • kizzy

    i think that every person is different and everybody is ready for sex at differenet times. i, myself had sex for the first time when i was only 13 almost and my boyfriend was 14. alot of people ask me if i regret it because i was so young but i really don't. i loved him and he loved me and we talked about tooooons before it happened. and even when it happened it wasn't planned. it was just a makeout/finger/handjob session that got a little carried away. lol. but how i know it was right is beacause everytime i'd gasp in pain he'd ask if i wanted him to stop. but i didn't. the way i look at it, is it doesn't really matter what age you are as long as your ready but i do think that you should at least be a teenager. another way i figured out if i was ready or not was i asked myself, "would i be ashamed to tell my daughter or son how old i was when i lost my virginity?" the answer that i came up with was "no. i love him"

  • Phushante

    yes i personally do think that 13 is to young!!! im 17 going on 18 this month and still havent lost my virginity. WHATS THE RUSH?!? i have my whole life to do that rite now thats just not important. and its nice to have a loving respectful boyfriend whu respects that decision. i feel if you give a boy what he want than he will leave you because their is basically none else left that he could possibly want from yhu!!

  • Cricket

    If you don't feel comfortable talking about sex with you're partner, you're not ready

  • Deb White

    I lost my virginity at 14 with my boyfriend who was also 14. Me and my boyfriend had talked about sex a lot before and then one night it just happened. As long you are both aware of the dangers and what can happen then I don't see why girls, or boys in that matter, can't have sex.