i’m in love with my best friend… and sometimes we have sex

dear heather,
I’ve liked one of my really good friends for awhile now, almost all I can think about is him. Every once in awhile we mess around and sometimes we even have sex. I want to tell him how I feel so bad but I’m scared. Sometimes he shows signs that he likes me but other times he doesn’t (more signs of like then not like). I’m afraid if I tell him how I feel he won’t feel the same way and that will push him away and my heart will break into so many pieces. If that happens, I’d rather he never know. But if there is the slight chance of anything between us, I want to know. What do I do?

It sounds like you have a friends-with-benefits thing going on with this guy — which sounds a lot better and more fun than it actually is. The problem with having a “friend” who you hook up with is that, inevitably, one person falls a little harder than the other. And when you have sex with someone, emotions come in to play (and often times, sex strengthens them.)

Feel the situation out a little bit. Does he talk about other gURLs? Does he flirt with other friends, too? Are you the only gURL he’s hooking up with? What are the signs that makes you think he likes you too? Tell me below, it might change what I’m about to say next…

But based only off what you’ve told me, it seems you’re having sex with him as a way to secure your relationship. Even if he was committed to you, sex is not a tool or a hook or a crutch to get or keep a guy. And especially since he is not committed to you, you can’t really trust him and that’s super scary.

If you choose to stay just-friends with him, do yourself a favor and stop having sex with him. Treat him how you would treat a best girl friend. Messing around is only going to hurt your heart in the long run. If he is your friend, he’ll stay around and love you for you. If he takes off because you won’t put out for him, it might break your heart but we’re here for you. You’ll get through it, and you’ll experience sex with someone who you can really trust (and trust me? it’s soooooo much better that way).

take care,

send in your questions for heather to heather@gurl.com. oh, and have you ever fallen in love with a friend? how did you handle it?

more ways to get gURLy:

Posted in: Friends, Help Me Heather, Sucky Emotions, Sucky Emotions
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  • XwDKeRvMo

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  • john

    I aint gay nor Bi. I’m straight! But I sometimes fantasy’s about my friend. He comes to my house often. I am curious in how does a penis feel up my ass! So I wanted to experiment with him but I’m afraid if I ask him, he’ll tell all my friends and his friends that I once asked to have sex with him. I have had sex with him when we were 13 years old but I was fucking while he was spreading his ass! That happened and we never spoke to each other for two years. So I think if we do it again he will enjoy it but would feel weird after

  • Gary

    I’m having the same problem, My friend is Bi-sexual and I’m Gay. And sometime we’ll have sex and mess around. Sometimes he says things that make me think he wants to start something more, and other times he shows no signs.
    But i already have a boyfriend and cant make my mind up which one i want…
    My boyfriend is ready to commit fully but im not sure i am ready, as i still love to have sex with my best friend. I know its wrong but i just love my friend and you was right, Sex has reinforced the feelings towards him… Not to sure what to do…

  • Lillian D

    Been there