I Cheated On My Boyfriend And Ruined My Relationship

Feeling guilty sucks for any gURL.

Dear Heather,

I have been dating someone for three years. I cheated on him about four months ago and just recently told him a month ago. We are in a long distance relationship which makes things even more complicated. We both decided we needed to see each other, so I booked a flight and here I am, in his room at his university dorm and everything is bad. Before I came we barely spoke, and every time we did I would just cry and cry and cry. I’ve told him everything. I’ve been completely honest, and I feel so empty it’s unbelievable.

It was just a drunken mistake (I’m not using this as an excuse) but I can’t even explain why it happened. Anyway, here I am, crying and he says he still cares for me but, can’t tell me he loves me. He says he needs time and we can only be friends. But everything is just messed up cause it cost $1000 to visit, I’m here for 5 days and he’s barely talking and going out with his friends while I’m here alone. He says he doesn’t know how to handle this situation besides time. What should I do?

It is clear that you didn’t mean to hurt your boyfriend by cheating on him, and if you were to relive that drunken night, you would have undoubtedly done things different. But here’s the problem with cheating. One fleeting action can shake a great relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for three weeks or three years.

If he loved you before, he probably still loves you today, but the only way your relationship can survive is if he can trust you again. If he thinks he can trust you again — and this will take a lot of convincing on your part — then your relationship still has a shot. If he can’t, sad as it is to say, your relationship doesn’t have much of a future. Maybe you can break up, take some serious time apart, and rekindle after you see how much you mean to each other.

You said that you only cheated on him because you were drunk, but are you sure there isn’t a bigger reason? A lot of times people cheat because there’s a larger issue at hand — it could be anything from a boring boyfriend to an overall unfulfilling relationship.

A thousand dollars is a lot of money to be out, but chalk it up to a life experience (or as many moms would say, “a character-builder”) which basically means it sucks that it happened but at least you learned something from it. So what’d you learn, you ask? You learned a) not to cheat on anyone and b) to not drink to the point that you risk compromising yourself and cheating on someone you care about.

take care,
heather

send in your questions for heather to heather@gurl.com.

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Posted in: Cheating, Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Sex, Sex
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  • Kavya

    I went through the same exact thing. Except I wasn’t drunk. And I did it many times.
    It’s been six months now since I cheated on my boyfriend. And we’re still together. It’s hard because the a-hole I cheated with is my classmate.
    I know how you feel, and how much it sucks. And everything will work out. It always does.

    • Sonya

      Do you ever feel guilty for not having told you boyfriend? Or did you tell him and he decided he loved you enough to stay with you? I am having a similar situation and I am debating just breaking up with my boyfriend entirely or staying with him and feeling guilty all the time. I cannot tell him I cheated because it would kill him and ruin any future relationship he may have.

  • Alex

    Wow…Um. Well I applaud you for going to him and apologizing and being so straight forward with him (also confessing to Heather was pretty brave to). He says he still cares for you but he can't love you yet. This is probably because you have honestly betrayed his trust a bit. It'll take a while to build that trust back up again. I know it'll make you sad but maybe the best thing for you right now is to break it off, at least for a period of time. Maybe he'll come through with time that he's still in love with you. Relationships get over these thing, even marriages! Especially since it was a drunken mistake, he might forgive you soon. And if for some reason he doesn't forgive, then move on! So dry those tears, girl! You've done all you can to fix it. Now all you have to do is wait.

    -Alex

  • Guerrita

    wow,, well the best you can do is if you really love him stick with him and no matter if he doesnt say it back tell him you love him and show him your really sorry by sticking by him,, dont just give up it may take some time but atleast you told the truth,, honesty is the key in every relationship ,, without it theres nothing its good you told the truth but you need to understand that you cheated and you shouldnt have been drinking with or around guys in the first place if you have a boyfriend thats where you were wrong,, but i hope al goes well and hopefully you learn from your mistake,, and hopefully you two get back together and no more cheating or hangin out with other guys and for him no girls with out you present that goes for you too… and did you go all the way or was it a kiss ??