was i raped?

dear heather,

My friend told me she was raped by a mutual friend of ours, but how she describes it doesn’t sound like rape to me. She said she told him no and that she didn’t want to have sex before it happened. But she also said that while it was happening, she enjoyed it and even had orgasms. She also told me that before any actual intercourse happened, while he was just touching her, she “liked it so much she just said yes, even though she knew she shouldn’t.” She claims she couldn’t control herself. I’m a virgin in every sense of the word, so I don’t know if you can actually lose control of your own actions like that, but to me, it sounds more like seduction than rape. I really want to do what’s best for her, but I don’t know what to say when she asks for help. What’s the difference between rape and seduction?

Rape is a tricky topic and there are a lot of ambiguities when it comes to what’s rape and what isn’t. If you’re friend first said “no” and then said she “shouldn’t,” but didn’t necessarily try to stop him, it’s hard to imagine that it could be considered rape. She did say no, but if that was followed by more fooling around, there’s a big chance that the guy was confused and took her physical actions as a sign that she wanted to do to more.”No” does mean “no,” but actions speak louder than words. If he did not forcibly have sex with your friend and if it was not against her will, then it wasn’t rape.

Sometimes people regret having sex, and sometimes people get caught up in the moment and later realize they had sex even if they didn’t initially want to go that far. That happens. And if there were any drugs or alcohol involved, perhaps her clarity and judgment were clouded and she just kinda went with it. If she’s upset that she had sex, maybe she should talk to a professional who can help her with her feelings (those go above and beyond BFF duties). But she shouldn’t claim rape because she’s ashamed that she went further than she wanted to. Not taking control of your own actions and then blaming someone else isn’t fair.

take care,

Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex, Virginity
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