i don’t enjoy sex

dear heather,
I’ve been sexually active with my boyfriend now for quite some time, and I’ve never experienced any pleasure from sex. It feels really good when he fingers me but when we have actual intercourse I feel nothing. I’ve heard about how most women don’t orgasm from intercourse, but does that mean they don’t feel pleasure at all during sex? Plus I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it because unfortunately I’ve made the mistake of leading him to believe that I really enjoy it, and I think it’d really hurt him if I told him now that I’ve never felt any pleasure at all during sex. I have no idea what to do and this is all so depressing. I feel like I’m never going to enjoy sex. Please help. Is it like this for you? Is there anything I can do to change this?
You’re so not alone in this fear, gURL. Tons of women have anxiety about not enjoying sex or not being able to climax during sex. Everyone is different, so if you’re watching movies and seeing gURLs screaming with delight during sex and wondering what is wrong with you — well, don’t. There are things that will make sex pleasurable for you, and every partner is different.

If the reason that you find fingering to be pleasurable is that he is stimulating your clitoris, you should find a way to guide him there during sex. That could mean with your hand, or getting on top so that you’re in the right position for that kind of stimulation. If you know what you like when he’s fingering you, you know what kinds of things feel good and you can translate that into sex.

There are also certain positions that can make sex more pleasurable for you. Try lots of different positions — you on top, in a spooning position with him behind you, etc. and see if that makes it better for you.

You’re also not alone in faking orgasms. Your boyfriend may enjoy hearing you say you like it, but if you told him what you’d like even more, he’d be a lot more into it, as well. The key to great sex is communication, no matter how corny that sounds. Tell him what you want in the bedroom and he’s likely to be even more into you for knowing what works for you. No one wants a gURL who lies back and lets sex happen without being into it.

And truth be told, not all sex is great right off the bat. It might take years, a different partner, being more comfortable with yourself — tons of things — before you enjoy sex to the fullest.

Don’t give up hope for loving life in the bedroom. If you like certain parts of sex, capitalize on those and focus more on foreplay — it can be more fun anyway!

take care,

Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Sex, Sex
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