i’m 13, am i too young to have sex and is it illegal?

dear heather,
I’m 13 and my boyfriend is 14. I love him with all my heart and I know I’m ready for sex. My friends all tell me I’m too young and that it’s against the law to have sex at my age. Is this true?

Kind of and that depends. In most states it is not a crime for underage teens to have sex with other underage teens, but in some places it is actually illegal for minor to have sex, even if they both consent and even if they are the same age.

As to the question of whether or not you are too young, that is a tougher one. A lot of people, including your friends, think that 13 is just too young to have sex, and many teens find that it is better to wait to have sex until they are older and will have more information and be in a better position to get help if they run into problems.

Love is great, but when it comes to sex, it isn’t the only important thing to think about. Here are some others:

1. Do you think you might feel different about your boyfriend after having sex? How do you think sex will affect your relationship? What if it changes how your boyfriend feels or acts?
2. Are you feeling pressured into having sex?
3. What if you break up soon after having sex?
4. Do you know how to protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs?
5. Do you have access to condoms? Are you comfortable using them with your partner?
6. Do you know how to get tested for STDs and will you do that?
7. Are you comfortable telling your boyfriend what feels good and what doesn’t?
8. If something goes wrong or you have an emergency, do you have an adult who you can talk to?

Thinking about these questions will help you decide if sex is something you actually want to get into right now. Good luck!

take care,
heather


Posted in: Ask an Expert, Health, Sex & Relationships
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13 Comments

  1. avatar Anna says:

    Hi am 14 and i really want to do sex :| what will i do ? Plz help

  2. avatar Jacob says:

    I really wanna have sex will someone plz tell me what to do i am 13.

  3. avatar skyler says:

    Now, I know this is a bit old…. But I’m surprised. I’m absolutely dumb-struck. Nobody has even brought up the religious side of this problem (Yes, I’m referring to this as a problem.)… This is to all of you. Having sexual intercourse is incredibly dangerous at 13 years old! First, you’re THIRTEEN years old. You’ve just become a teenager. That doesn’t mean sex suddenly becomes a much looser thing . Age is NOT just a number. You don’t know how to handle protection. You don’t need to try it out with your boyfriend that also has no idea what he’s doing. Do you know how many negative effects you AND your child will get? You aren’t emotionally ready at that age! More than likely, you aren’t physically ready either. A 13 year old girl doesn’t know how to test for pregnancy. A 13 year old girl doesn’t know how to test for STD’s. Does this guy know how to use a condom? If you have a child, will this guy AND his family support you? NO. Do you think you’re getting married? Seriously? Do you? Ok… If you think you’re getting married, then WAIT. In many, many, many, many, MANY, religions (ALL Christian religions), it is a DIRE sin to have sex before you’re married. Most people don’t mind that, and they have sex anyways. Does that mean you have to overlook this too? Not only will it ruin your life, but also damage your relationship with the lord that gave his life for all of us. That is, unless you’re an atheist. You just aren’t ready. You think you are, but you have no idea. You don’t know 2 sh*ts about sex at 13. You don’t understand the consequences, you don’t understand the outcomes, you don’t understand the possibilities. You aren’t ready. Don’t do it. Why do you need to have sex now? Just wait. Others have managed to do it. So can you. It isn’t “Cool” either. You will be looked down upon by society as an adult. The CHILDREN at your age may thinks it’s okay, but you’ll be in for a rude awakening. I really try to emphasize “Children” in that last sentence, because that’s what you are. You’re kids. Kids don’t have sex! Since when is it okay for children have casual sex?! You don’t know who you love. Boy, if I had a nickel… I hear kids say “I love him” every day. Do you think they get married? Because they told each other they loved? No, they break up for the stupidest reason. What if you move. You can’t live with him. You’ll break up. Wait till you’re an adult. Then you will understand what “LOVE” is!

    Jeez. I’m just so blown about this. It’s not okay. Don’t do it. If you want to ruin your life, go ahead. Go ahead and throw yourself into a dumpster and eat disease-ridden rodents. That’s more than likely what you’ll be doing if a single one of those possibilities gets ya.

    Listen to me, all of you, just wait for it. You can love without sex.

    • avatar :| says:

      You are only looking at the negatives I thought you would be less biased but nope you said what if he doesn’t know how to use a condom well what if he does? How can other people know what others emotions are, you don’t. Do you know alot of people who’s lives where ruined. The only thing I do agree with is that you can love without sex but seriously you said will you know if this guy and his family support you, you said NO but you honestly don’t know that. You act like you know everything about peoples live but I don’t think you do and I would love for you to explain how having under aged sex can lead you to eating rodents in a dumpster

      • avatar LilMissy says:

        I couldnt agree more. There is so much negativity about 13 yr olds having sex. It is happening a lot these days and because of people like you 13 yr olds are not getting the right information.
        All that is told to 13 yr olds is that they are too young and should not have sex. Wake up society – 13 yr olds are having sex and will continue having sex, some with much older guys they relate to extremely well.
        I think this website needs to be less negative and give advice regarding protection, diseases and the like. I dont think the advice should be “dont have sex” Such rubbish advice only makes the 13 yr old more determined to find a way to do it.
        Leave them to make their choices and dont stigmatise the act.

  4. avatar Tayler Miller says:

    Im 13 also and i feel the same way! And I dont know how to bring it up to my boyfriend… hes 14 im turning 14 soon… I really feel like Im ready, but still have no idea how to bring it up to him, anyone got ideas? I love him with evry bone in my body, and I know he does to… how do i bring it up, or tell if hes ready for sex hisself? please, please, PLEASE help me! (BTW: I can get condoms, and he has an older sister to, if she approves, who can get me the day after pill)

  5. avatar Me says:

    hey hey hey. i am 3 too. i believe its totally okay. if YOU are ready, not if he asked you to have sex. age is just a number. if you believe u are mature enough for “consequences” then go for it. I lost my virginity to my best guy friend and it was perfect. like EXTREMLEY perfect. we noth knew we were ready for it and we went for it. But i would suggest talking to your boyfriend about if he is on a mature enough level to have sex. thats what me and my friend did. and for me, sex idnt ruin the relationship, it brought us closer. (not like that though)

  6. avatar katie.sampson says:

    I personally think go for it! Don’t feel ashamed or anything, I’m 13 also and I want too, you’ll find out there’s many other girls your age that do and have, your not alone, if you have harsh parents or judge your friends that have had sex, well you don’t have to be a saint, look at the world, its made up of sins hahaha ! I also need advice, I don’t wanna have sex cause I’m in love, I want experience for the future, please comment @ katie.sampson thhx :)

  7. avatar Connor Harcourt says:

    I think that personaly, sex is a bad idea, because, even if you use a condom, they might not work and you could posibly have a baby, or die because of that baby, though , like my dad says, it’s your choice, and you hopefuly make the right choice, go and do what you want, for all I care, don’t listen to this 13 year old boy. take care girl.

  8. avatar katie says:

    i had sex first on my birthday when i turned 13

    my mom dont no or noone only about 5 of my mates do

    i was pissed and in the park met a boy and had sex with him

    i dont regret it because it gave me experience for the one i love so i can do him the best

    if you love him then go for it girl

    always use a condom tho

    i am stil 13 and have had sex at least once or twice every week from then on. so its good to get practice

    dont feel ashamed of yourself

    • avatar Jacob says:

      I am 13 as well i really want to have sex and you said you have had it a couple times a week so can you tell me how to ask them to do it? Also how do you know they want to?

  9. avatar Courtney says:

    Hey gal. I know you're probably tires of people asking questions to see if you're ready. All I am saying is if anything goes wrong, will a parent be able to help you through tough situations like condoms not working or you getting hurt. I know you and your boyfriend LOVE each other and I know what that feels like. If it was me, I would discuss this with your boyfriend and ask him if he has a sister (older than 21 that can drive and is near you) or mom or even someone in your family that you can talk to in emergencies. I'm sure you can answer any other questions you want but just think about this one in particular. Maybe sex won't happen and the world has something better in store for you! Take care and safe sex please! I'm sure you don't want to have a baby at 13….

  10. avatar Elizabeth says:

    Your not to young. I had sex at 13 and i claimed I was ready. But this is somwthing you have to think long and hard about. Here is a question you need to ask your self.

    How long have you and your boyfriend been dating? Maybe he just wants sex?

    And also are you on birth control. I wasnt and I used a condem for many years, but sometimes it doesnt work. I am 16 and I have a beautiful 9 month old girl.

    Also think about your future. There IS a better guy that you will wish you lost your virgintiy to. So really think about it.

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