i don’t feel anything when i have sex. what’s wrong with me?

Question: I recently became sexually active with my boyfriend. When we first had sex, it didn’t hurt, bleed or really feel like anything. To this day, I still don’t feel much stimulation at all. I am worried that I am one of those women who won’t feel anything from sex. What’s wrong with me?

Answer: Probably nothing! What’s most likely is that you just aren’t having the kind of sexual experience that is right for you. Sex is about a lot more than just inserting part A into slot B and waiting for fireworks. But a lot of us have a pretty skewed idea of what sex is supposed to look like. We can blame it on porn, Hollywood romances, or misleading magazine articles. Whatever the cause, sometimes we forget about things like foreplay, the clitoris, and that (as sex educators love to point out), our biggest sex organ lies between our ears and not between our legs.

You should also know that you aren’t alone. In fact, one in three women doesn’t have orgasms during sex with a partner! Partly, this is because the clitoris–which is the most sensitive part of a woman’s genitals–isn’t always stimulated during vaginal sex. But touching this part of the body, either with hands, a sex toy or through oral sex, is actually what helps most women have orgasms. You can do this instead of vaginal sex or before, during or after penetration.

Here are a few other things you can try:

  1. Change position. Not all positions work for all couples.
  2. Teach yourself to orgasm through masturbation. Then show your partner what you like.
  3. Start with a lot of foreplay to get you aroused.

      A common reason that people have unsatisfying sex is that they don’t speak up. It can seem really embarrassing to say (in your own words, of course), "Um, this whole penis/vagina thing isn’t totally doing it for me. How about a little more clit action?" But often, that’s all it takes to make your experience way more enjoyable.

    1. Got your own question for the expert? Send an email to feedback@gurl.com with the subject line: Question: sex ed blog.


      Posted in: Ask an Expert, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up
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      33 Comments

      1. avatar lala says:

        I also don’t feel nothing during sex. I’m so depressed as i waited for the right guy. I found him now I don’t feel the excitement he feels when having sex.

      2. avatar Precy says:

        I’ve had sex 3times bt i dnt feel anythng and ma b.f is saying the samething idnt knw what wrng wth me actually i dnt knw who is wrng between us and i feel terrible about that, i dnt knw what to do

      3. avatar Jenny says:

        I’ve just started having sex with my bf, but i can’t feel it really. its just pressure, i don’t get anything sexual out of it. i never used to masturbate either, thought it kind of gross, but again i never felt anything sexual about it. to be honest, I’ve never had an orgasm either. i normally just fake it with my bf. is it normal?

      4. avatar Sandra says:

        I have the same problem i dont feel anything and he tels me that am sweet oh my God i hate myself

        • avatar babe says:

          I also have the same problem. I dont feel anything during sex though i am always aroused when i think of having sex. The only time i feel good s when i masturbate and i dont like it this way. Could there be a hormonal problem with me.

      5. avatar kbaby says:

        Me & my husband have been together almost 7 years. For a few months I have not been able to feel anything inside my vagina & its hard for him to feel anything too. I dont knowwhy this is happening all of a sudden. Feels like my vagina is opening up too much or something? !?!

      6. avatar Lethu says:

        I get turned on but when we do sex my boyfriend feel everything but i dont,why

      7. avatar Monika says:

        I lost my virginity at 16 and it’s never felt good, I’m going on 20. I’ve been witha few guys and never anything. A lot of people know about my problem and called me a dead f***. I can get wet or horny but as soon as we start having sex I’m not wet anymore and can’t wait to finish. The only way it feels good for me is if my legs are stretched straight out and I’m holding my breath while fingering and rubbing my clit fast with my hand. That’s the only way!! And it doesn’t feel good till the end then when I have that good feeling it’s only like 2 or 3 secs then it’s done. It frustrates me and I just want it to feel good! My boyfriend always wants to have sex and I never do, sometimes I start to cry because of it. I hate it.

        • avatar rayray says:

          I have that same problem and I don’t know what to do, I only get off when having my clit played with and I feel horrible because I have to constantly fake it with my boyfriend

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