Jealousy: A Sign Of Insecurity, Not Love

Green (with envy) isn't anyone's best color.

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend named Cam. Cam was clingy, depressed and suspicious of my friendships. He was also not above inventing situations to “test” my loyalty. “My buddy told me you got together with a guy at a party,” he once accused.

“What? Who said that? What guy? What party?” I sputtered.

“I can’t tell you. I promised I wouldn’t say,” he responded.

Amazingly, I took the bait and we argued about this alleged incident all night as Cam alternately accused me of cheating and then swore not to leave me if I just told him the truth.

The truth was that nothing had happened. But by the time Cam finally believed this and admitted to his lie, it was with a lame explanation: “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t get so jealous.”

I’d like to say I broke up with him then and there. But partly because I was convinced he would fall apart without me, I put up with his insecurities far longer than I should have.

And yes, this breed of jealousy is usually born of insecurity.

!Sometimes jealous people say things like, “I was cheated on in the past, so I can’t trust anyone now.” Other times they flip the script. “I’m only jealous because you’re such a flirt.”

If you hear either of these things, remind yourself they are just excuses, and not very good ones. Then run far away.

Jealousy isn’t cute and can easily move beyond whiny accusations into full fledged control mode. The partner who hates when you spend time with friends, tries to turn you against your family, explodes over what you wear, and why you didn’t pick up your phone immediately, isn’t showing great commitment and devotion. He’s showing seriously abusive behavior.

It’s not as if there is never a reason to be jealous. But overblown, baseless jealousy isn’t a sign that you have a deep passion meaningful relationship. It’s a sign that your relationship is in trouble, and as I’d like to tell my high school self, that kind of trouble just isn’t worth investing in.

What do you think about jealousy? Ever experienced anything similar to my realtionship with Cam?

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    yea, i been thru this. i had a bf of 7 months. and at first i thought it was cute. then it got annoying. but i stayed b/c i love'd him. he ended up putting his hands on me more than once. but now i moved away but im still in love with him and its soo hard b/c i dont know wat to do.

  • Sara

    Ok my name is sara. I have a really nice boyfriend. we
    ve been together since 8th grade. He's really sweet. He thinks of me first, he doesn't make me do anything I don't want to or pressure me. I really think this relationship will last! Over the past few years. He's gotten jealous two times. Is that bad. I have a problem, I laugh at everything… and i talked to this kid in our class and I was laughing soo much in front of him and he kinda got a little jealous… is that bad? I mean i can see why he did. One time i didn't email him or call him for two days.. and he was sad when we came into school. He just wanted to know how my day was and stuff. Should i keep him… and i really do love him!

  • amanda

    is it wrong for you to be jealous, espeically of a girl your boyfriend once liked, and is really good friends with now?

  • Kaydee

    I just started seeing my current boyfriend 3 months ago and our relationship started as a long distance one. I've known him for about 6 months beforehand, and he was amazing. The Jealousy started when we officially called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought it was just because of the distance, and him actually being worried because if something happened to me he was far away, or that he was actually jealous of my friends because they were physically around me and he had to be far away. Well he has moved back home and things have only gotten worse. He gets angry if I miss one of his calls, He makes me feel guilty if I go out with friends, he even makes comments about the number of boy's numbers I have in my phone, and he tries to check who I have called or who has called me. I've had close guy friends my whole life more so than gal friends and I don't plan on compromising those friendships. It is really hard to have everything under such inspection. I know it's not fair to me, but he was devastatingly hurt in the past by his ex (I knew that full well before entering the relationship) . I understand that he is scared, I'm scared in committed relationships too because of past experiences. I'm still trying to find out how to help him get through his insecurities, Because it's not all bad. The rest of our relationship is amazing, I'm madly in love with him and I know he is with me. I'm going to talk to him about how I feel, that is the obvious course of action If I'm unhappy, but is there something else I'm missing professional wise? If anyone can help me through experiences I'd greatly apprieciate it.

  • stephanie

    i wasted a year of my life on a guy like this. i was a very naive fourteen year old who had felt sorry for the boy and didn't know how to say no. the entire year was filled with him telling me who i can and cannot be freinds with, using the 'i dont have a mom' card on me anytime i tried to break up with him, he told me he loved me the day after we started going out! he had even proposed to me. anytime i was with him i had felt so creeped out, but i just had such a hard time getting away. after we finally broke up, i was going to a different school and two years later i decided that maybe its time we could be friends. it didn't exactly work out too well. he was still as manipulative, creepy, and telling me he loved me like he did in the past. i dropped him like a rock and left him knowing that i never had any intention of ever dating him or that i ever loved him. to this day he is still complaining about it at any chance he gets.

  • Annie

    I was in a kind of similar position as ur dude. but i was actuali kind of rite. he had been wit dis one b4 just a brief fling n den we were goin out and he was all blah i luv u n den he was always txtin da other one who was also one of my frends n he was always meetin up wit her coz dey were close frends. we had a fite one day n i told him to go away n txt her n he was like fine n dat nite we broke up coz we were fitin so much n he was goin doin his exams soon.he sed wed see wat happened in da summer coz he really liked me n for 2 wks he was still comin on to me n den he got drunk one nite n told me he loved me n dat we shud get bak together but i told him if he cud tell me wen he was sober dat id tink about it and da nxt day he cudnt remember…2days later he was goin out wit da one we were fitin about.

  • Kitty

    i had a guy EXACTLY LIKE THIS! and it lasted 3 years of my life…i thought i was happy..until he drove me to actually physically exspress my stress that he gave me….we still talk every now and then to check on each other..because of all he's been through in his life..but if only he kneew wat he bought me through, its hard to let my feeling go now.i dont want a remake

  • Jessica

    i had a boyfriend like this….he threatened to take all the boys phone numbers out of my phone. I couldn't really go anywhere without him. I was 17 and he was 21. That was a big mistake on my part cause he didn't trust me. I was asked to a dance and attended when i got home i had 20 missed calls and about 30 texts it was crazy. I thought it was cause he loved me but truely he just wanted to control me. I learned my lesson

  • Marie-Hél&egr

    I don't think I would survive to something like that more than 1 or 2 days. Heck, I cringe when my boyfriend asks me to call when I get home so he can stop worrying. I don't like it when I have to report what I'm doing, let alone justifying it.

  • Grace

    This really is a good thing to keep in mind. My ex is like that. Now that I'm single, I definitely DON'T want that. I'll keep this in mind, for sure.

  • Chelsea

    What do you think about jealousy?
    I'm fairly confident that I'm not a jealous person. I mean, I sometimes wish I was someone else…but I think that's pretty normal for most people.
    I was in a relationship with a guy named Nick. He was reall nice…but he was depressed. I "knew" he was getting treatment for it. And I "knew" he was a good person deep down. And I "knew" he wasn't going to hurt me because he said he loved me. I was very, VERY wrong. He wasn't getting the kind of help he needed, so when he became suicidal, he also got extremely possessive. I called it quits because I wasn't going to be taken down in his sinking ship. So we were fine for about 6 months. And then he tried to kill himself, and said that I was the number 1 reason he wanted to die–Mind you, I hadn't spoken to him in 6 months, but I had talked to one of his girlfriends aboutwho he really was. Probably not the best idea, but I thought she had the right to know.–But it hit me really hard.
    I've been trying to work on it…but since that happened I have this built in barrier against people when they get too close, which makes it very hard to have good relationships with people.

  • just me

    This is crazy because I have a boyfriend like this now.The only thing that's different is the fact that I really am a flirt and he hasn't made up any false stories.And tbh,this story tottally helped me. 😀

  • heather

    this article came at a perfect time
    my current boyfriend has become unbearingly jealous and obsessive and this blog helped me to find that i'm not alone in this
    i've been planning on taking control of the situation it's just a matter of figuring out how to do it, because like you said "I'd like to say I broke up with him then and there. But partly because I was convinced he would fall apart without me, I put up with his insecurities far longer than I should have."

  • ellen friedrichs

    Hi Bianca,
    This sounds really hard. You might want to ask yourself if this relationship is worth any more work. If a couple decides to stay together after one partner cheats, it isn't fair to constantly bring up the past. This isn't to say the past disappears, but if your boyfriend can't get over what happened, and treats you badly because of it, it can't be making either of you feel good.
    Good luck!

  • I'm Me

    I had A boyfriend just like that.