my just-divorced dad is getting remarried

dear heather,

I really need your help. My dad is getting remarried and he and my mom just got divorced. I think it is too soon and it scares me to know that I’ll have a stepmother in July. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel but I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t how to tell him and I don’t know when and I can’t get him away from her. Please help me Heather.

Divorce is very difficult and disruptive. Meanwhile, remarriage, which can be a happy occasion on one level, is also a big disturbance on another. Having your father remarry can re-open many of the wounds you might have from your parents’ divorce.Being caught up in the middle of these adult parental problems, one right after the other, must be very, very hard on you; it sucks. Right now you are being forced to think about your dad as his own person, with his own desires and goals, and sometimes this can be ugly. The first thing you might do is talk to your dad about what is going on and how you feel about it–even if you are not sure what to say or how to say it, you might be able to get some of the confusing feelings out of your system.

If you don’t speak to your father, you might want to talk to somebody else about the situation, be it a friend, family member or adult you trust. It may comfort you to know that you’re not alone and that there are many people to talk to–many people have been through the trauma of their family splitting up and may be able to understand a little bit of what you are going through. Many people who are affected by divorce also find therapy useful and this could be something you might want to at least look into (see some resources on family therapy). Though you can’t change what has happened with your parents, perhaps you can find a way for things to be less painful for you.

Another thing that you might consider trying, in terms of coming to terms with your dad’s remarriage, is getting to know your future step-mom a little. Though you may never like her, maybe by talking to her you won’t be so afraid of or angry about your father’s relationship with her.

The pain you are feeling now from the divorce and remarriage is very real and will probably be with you in some way, shape or form for a while. I think this is a very important time for you to be gentle with yourself, focusing on things you like to do and things that make you feel better to help you through this process.

take care,

Posted in: Family, Help Me Heather
  • Tanika

    Yes, I must admit that my parents broke up too and my dad is getting married tomorrow. It is hard but then again.. You have to be happy for you dad. His been in a hard time past the days and he wants to start a new life. I understand how you feel. I love my dad a lot and sometimes in life.. things aren’t always what you wanted it to be. x